The Beginning Again May 19,2012

…a Turbo-fit informational tv show started it this morning, then sprinting to the computer to see that I can’t afford even the special offer, then stepping on the scale…

 

 

THE FACTS TO MY WEIGHT:

I lose weight.

 I can do anything in short spurts

but my emotional state guides everything

 I lose a few and I give into a treat

 I gain a few back and I feed the sadness

 I cry from the guilt that I was so weak

I start again tomorrow, or Monday, or after the holiday…

 

and once again here I am at 220?

 

my pants don’t fit

my panties don’t fit

my bra’s are too tight

I hate the way I look

I hate the way I feel

 

but more than anything  I hate that so much of all of this is what the scale says – I know before stepping on it the one and only one time a day I allow myself to (which is a huge success since I used to do it at least 10) dictates my attitude.

 

IT STOPS HERE AND TODAY.

 

I AM MORE THAN A NUMBER.

 

I AM NOT PERFECT.

 

What I am is human, I am going to have moments of success and weakness – how I manage that is what needs to change.

 

So in starting this blog I hope to report, reflect and teach myself to reward intrinsically, to forgive myself for weakness and not grieve it. To chronicle my relationship with food, weight and emotions. To create for myself a space to work out THE ENDLESS STRUGGLE that has been body image, scale fear, weight management, that has dominated my life since the age of about 8 – dam for 27 years this is what has consumed me.

 

WEIGHT WATCHERS: It works, all four times I have done it I have lost between 30-85 pounds, the loss all temporary as long as I could afford the fees and would make time for the meetings I could keep the loss off – ACCOUNTABILITY THROUGH MONEY

 

SPARK PEOPLE: A great on-line program. Fun rewards, little games, great resources but NO REAL LIFE ACCOUNTABILITY

 

DIET PILLS: fat burners, appetite suppressants, prescribed programs  – PILLS DON’T CHANGE HABITS

 

EXCUSES: I have a million of them, not many do I verbalize but my head is full of them I could write pages and pages as to why I fail on a daily basis.

 

ACCOUNTABILITY: begins here, today, no more excuses – If I want to be healthy, to live a long life I am the only one that can make it happen, no one is forcing me to make poor choices, no one has to be happy with what the reflection in the mirror shows except for me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com
Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com
%d bloggers like this: