July 7,2012

Well I didn’t stick with this very long, but when I started I never expected to lose my Grandmother 5 days later, and be thrown into an emotional funk that I couldn’t shake.

Today I admitted to S that we are financially exhausted, I admitted that for the past year my entire existence has been consumed with money and debt concerns, I admitted that I needed his help and all of a sudden I realized that this is another realm where I need to work on ACCOUNTABILITY from within.

Money is like food, I love it, I hate it, I need it, don’t have it  – I spend like I have it, I juggle because of it – I feed the guilt of spending it and then I spend again because I ate. If I could add a graphic it would be a wretched circle of shitty habits, all that feed off of one another.

Then I thought back 12 years and where was I this day then, I was driving through Atlanta from my trip to Sanibel Island, I was coming home to a mailbox full of bills I couldn’t pay and then I saw a billboard:

WHY WORRY??? GOD HAS A PLAN.

I am sad to admit that I am in worse shape today than I was now, in 12 years I have gotten no where in that realm. But I also know that once I found the “plan” everything else fell into place. We have no one to turn to for assistance, we must do this together. I need to trust in his help and know that he is going to catch me when I fall, and that only by working together can this hurdle be overcome.

So what does this have to do with my ENDLESS STRUGGLE? One seems to feed the other, so if my theory holds true, if I put into a plan that will resolve the money stress with an end in sight, then I can also put the stress of my appearance, weight, self-perception into action as well.

So let’s set a realistic set of goals for this week July 8-14

1) I will not spend any money without talking to S about it first.

2) I will think before I eat “Am I hungry? or am I bored?”

3) I will communicate with S when I am feeling stressed about money and or food

I think three goals are realistic.

I will weigh in tomorrow morning and I will not step on the scale again until the 14th.

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