7 weeks

They say a journey starts with a single step, a work out starts the same way.

Repeat, repeat, repeat until you reach a goal.

 

Three days in a row, that’s called a streak.

 

7 weeks done

49 days down 316 to go

+4 up 56 down to go

 

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43 days down 322 to go

That’s 6 weeks into 52 weeks of health and wellness revolution for me.

What progress have I made?

Humm, none.

I have once again excelled at stating that I am going to accomplish something, put a very doable plan in process and once again let life get right in the way, let it be an excuse.

 

What am I going to do about it?

I am going to have a positive attitude about it. I am not going to look at it as a failure, but more like one big bubble that somehow I will pop. Today was very positive, I even made time for the elliptical. I utilized TV time for good, Dora tonight you gave me health instead of a headache, so I say thank you to you for that.

 

What am I going to do about it tomorrow?


Try again. Hope that when I step on the scale the next time that it’s a little less, even .2# I will count as a success. Gone are the days of many pounds in a week like when I was in my 20’s I am nearer to 40 than 30 so I have to be realistic and celebrate MY accomplishments.

It is only my opinion that matters when the reflection looks back, I know this I’ve talked about it before, I have to make myself believe it. I am the only force that can allow that to happen.

I have to accept that “what he sees” mentality; that is not an excuse but a mindset that I will more than likely not have a very firm and flat midsection again, I more than likely will not have narrow hips that fill out a pair of tight fitting jeans, and you know what, THAT IS OK. I don’t have to look like I did when I was 27.

What I need is to be satisfied with the body I am able to transform now, to embrace the curves and marks of motherhood, and showcase them as best I can.

 

So here’s to me, trying again…

I want to be happy

In my head it sounds like a doable plan.

In action I am NOTHING but excuses.

The day slips away, I’ve had no sleep.

Right now it’s all I can do to keep myself intact.

To keep myself from crying in frustration – how much I hate this body, my lack of motivation.

All I do is work, clean, clean, clean….then collapse to sleep for 2 maybe 3 hours. Then little feet scamper into my room, wide awake; and for as much as they are my heart, I am screaming in my head “Why don’t you sleep? What am I doing wrong? Why does this make me feel like a failure?”

It seems I try to split my very limited free time with them and trying to make me feel better about me, and then my home is in shambles. So I tend to it and them, and hate the way I feel because I left “me” out of the equation. Then I feel guilty for not taking care of me, feeling guilty for neglecting them and the house. There just aren’t enough hours in the day….and yes it’s an excuse.

So where does my time go:

 

10/16/12

 

4 am Ailey comes into bed with me

4:30 am Piper follows suit – I am now laying on about 6″ of mattress, no covers, freezing with the window open, my jaw is starting to ache.

4:45 am go lay on couch, try to sleep for 30 more minutes

4:46 am Piper joins me

4:48 am Ailey cries because there is no room for her on the couch as well

4:55 am give up and make milk cups and snacks, put them in their beds with a “watch” get ready for work

5:10 am realize I didn’t wash my one and only pair of pants that fit – have to wear a skirt, it’s cold, no stockings because I have no closed toed shoes yet

5:30 am peel oranges and kiss girls, who are now in the kitchen doing puzzles, put dozen cupcakes in car for consult later today

5:45 am drop off deposit at bank for work

6:00 am call superintendent at work and remind him to get someone to remove concrete from the dumpster

6:23 am pull into work

6:30 am start work

3:45 pm leave work, realize it was much hotter out than I thought and cupcakes have melted (FAIL)

4:05 pm cupcake consult (now been awake 12 hours on 5 hours or less sleep)

5:30 pm pick up pizza for Liz and kiddos for dinner

7:00 pm head home

7:30 pm run laundry, fold laundry, spend 5 minutes washing hair and shaving legs

8:00 pm snuggle with kids for a few minutes

8:15 pm fold more laundry

8:30 pm pack diaper bag and set out clothes for girls for tomorrow, set out my clothes for tomorrow

9:00 pm do our “moon” list, make water cups, pat backs

9:15 pm pat backs again

9:30 pm sit down for the first time all day that didn’t involve work or someone climbing on me

 

How do I feel?

– feel guilty that I didn’t exercise, then cry because I am so tired I know I don’t have the energy to do it

– feel like shit about my body as I sit here in a nighty that I got last year and contemplated wearing as a dress    because it looked so good, decide I need to put on a robe

– I still have one more load of laundry to do tonight

You know the other day someone asked me what I wanted….there are lots of things I want, we all do. But it made me think – What do I really want? From life and living, loving and being…simple right? Think about it, have you ever? It’s very selfish. To take a moment and seriously consider what YOU want.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

So how do I resolve this cycle?

I can’t neglect my house, if I had come right home from work I still would have had to make dinner, do laundry and today was bathroom cleaning day which I will now have to do tomorrow, and I sit here and silently pray that the girls by some miracle sleep until I have to be up again at 5 maybe I will have the energy to actually exercise…the one thing I am doing is presenting a realistic and completely honest look at how I run my life, the frustrations I endure, the thought process that runs them, my busy mind that never sleeps, how I long to wake and feel refreshed, to have conviction and drive, to have support and a little cooperation. But life is not always like that, it ebbs and flows like everything else and all I can do it the best with what I’ve got.

Admission to Accountability & What “HE” Sees

PART I: Admission to Accountability

So where have I gotten in 4 weeks?

I have been more religious about exercise averaging 3 days a week.

I have tried to have a more positive attitude about my body.

I have also made zero progress on my goal, I was down two pounds and now I am up those two plus three more. Yes I spent the weekend feeding my emotions. Full of Monday morning conviction, it’s Tuesday and I had pizza for lunch after deciding that skipping breakfast was acceptable, when I know it’s the key to a failure of a day.

So the one thought that keeps crossing my mind is this “You dumbass you know how to fix this, and why are you punishing yourself by doing the things you know don’t work for you!” The answer is simple, I didn’t want to spend money on accountability. But at this stage I am weak, I need the support of other people who are struggling just as much as I am, I need someone to tell me that losing .2# is a success.

So Saturday I will head back to sign up and then attend local meetings at Weight Watchers, there is one near work that just makes my lunch hour. I will lean on those who more than know the life long battle with weight, the obsession of the scale, how easily we are soothed by something in our mouths, and will I be successful. I believe I will.

PART II: What “HE” sees

 

This past year I have made it a goal to learn how men view women, surprisingly if we (meaning women) saw ourselves through our SO’s eyes, our opinion of ourselves would be far greater.

This is what he sees (200#)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was a gift to my husband for Christmas, having a talented sister who takes photographs and an agreement for not exchanging gifts I thought this perhaps would be a suitable middle ground. What he sees is the woman who gave her body up to fertility treatment, two babies in less than three years. He sees soft curves and supple skin, legs that support the weight of a family, a back strong enough to lug groceries in and out and in and out, hands that work in the yard pulling stumps, and then can go in and sew a blanket or decorate a cake.

“HE” doesn’t see that my middle isn’t as tone as it used to be, that my calves regardless of how much weight I lose will still be full and muscular, that my arms are that of my Grandmother’s (thanks Nanna again for them), hips that are broad and will never permit wearing skinny anything.

He sees past all that and sees me, a woman who is never happy with how she looks and still tells me I am beautiful, gorgeous in fact.

So maybe if we all just looked at ourselves with the eyes of the person we love, we might just love ourselves a little bit more.

29 days down 336 to go

-5 # down 57 to go

 

Monday Morning Conviction

Another Monday, another weekend has passed by …why food wise are they such a struggle. Oh wait because they are totally unstructured, we have a fully stocked fridge, and yes the scale reflected that. I have to admit to a gain. It’s morally crushing to see the numbers go to the “right” as opposed to the “left”. But then again I made the decision to eat more than I needed to nourish my body, I made the decision to eat unhealthy indulgences.

 

So here I am back at the start.

 

 

Where’s my motivation?

Ummm I think I left it in bed, along with the rest of the sleep I should have gotten. Thank you to my beautiful daughters who decided that 1:30 am was party time and that we should stay up until 5. Nights like that make me thankful that we have closed the door on more children, and that it only happens now and then. Today has been rough. I was groggy all day, but I am lacing up and getting my workout in, will soothe my body in a bath and then hopefully the Sandman will come early and encourage my littles to bed earlier than later.

 

22 down 342 to go

2# down 50# to go

 

 

win, win, win, WIN

Starting with Week 4 I am really dedicating to making exercise a priority. The weather is rapidly changing, this girl does not do cold well so the option of  walks outside are slimming. So I dusted off the elliptical, yes it had cobwebs on it, armed myself wit my MP3 player (don’t hate ghetto technology it’s 7 years old and still works just fine for me), big cup of water and nothing but 30 minutes ahead of me. I sing silently and in my head hell yeah I sound just like Katy Perry in my head. My goal is to log 210 minutes this week. It’s realistic and I know the benefits:

1) more energy

2) better sleep

3) decreased appetite

4) feel a sense that I am DOING something not just talking about it

5) weigh in next week will yield that 5#  total loss I’m hoping to see

 

So it’s a win, win, win, win, WIN!

It was really encouraging tonight when I laced up and hopped on, Scott was at work and I needed to do this before the night slipped away from me.

 

Piper stood in the door :”Mommy, you esecise?”

Me:” Yes Piper. Be careful.”

Piper: “Good job Mommy!”

 

Who needs more affirmation that you are doing good than the encouragement of an adorable 2 year old?

After all she’s one reason I want to be fit, so that I live long enough to watch her experience life, so thank you Piper for lighting my fire.

 

 

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