When food doesn’t make it better…

…it typically makes it worse. Because after the moment of deliciousness passes, the physical reaction of feeling too full from having stuffed it down so quickly, the emotional guilt for giving in again, the sadness, the failure, the immediate re-commitment to not do it again.

Who ever doesn’t believe that food is an addiction, is addicted to something else, admit it or not we all have some crutch we lean on when we feel hopeless – spending, exercising, sex, cutting, drugs, alcohol…

I know I am a perfectionist, I am anal about certain things, I do not take criticism in the least well (I have known this since about age 7), I am addicted to food.

I eat when no one is looking, things I know I shouldn’t, lots of it, as fast as I can.

It’s a problem, I admit it.

 

Today I failed in the food department.

 

I got upset at work, over something that was a very honest mistake in the midst of a learning process, the emotion I fed was failure and criticism. The day started off very well, a sensible healthy breakfast that slowly led to a handful of peanut M&M’s, Chipolte with chips, two Reese’s Cups, 3 diet sodas, gummi worms, an apple, then a cheese burger at Big Boy and I wasn’t hungry, and I ate dessert with the girls as well, repeat I was NOT HUNGRY. I was sad, deflated, lonely, disappointed in myself for something I didn’t intentionally do, something that was corrected and didn’t really hurt anything, and then I continued to feed the sadness of eating a lunch I didn’t really want, by eating again.

 

The emotion that followed this up was anger, for being so weak, however the next step was more productive.

I put my shoes on and climbed on the elliptical. I turned on 107.1 (here in Cincinnati that’s KISS 107) and this song came on: Try by Pink http://youtu.be/yTCDVfMz15M now I know the song isn’t about a fat lady on an elliptical but I cried.

 

“Ever worried that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you’re out there doing what you’re doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by by by…”

 

But to me it felt like me in the moment, and I let one moment ruin me for the day, it made me cry.

Today in silence.

I know everyone has had more than one silent, tearless cry in their life,  today when no one watched, or bothered to as if I was OK, I fed myself.

I lost sight of my goal and gave in, but getting on the elliptical signified that I didn’t give up. When I got done, I was a sweaty, mascara streaked, dehydrated mess. But in that 30 minutes I found absolution of the guilt of feeding the emotion.

I didn’t go back to the kitchen for any other reason but for a glass of water and to wash my hands.

 

In that act of washing my hands and writing this I let go of my failure. It is in the past. There is nothing I can do about it except TRY not to repeat it. I know there will be more times in my life that I fail, many more, if  I didn’t I wouldn’t be learning, growing or human. But, I hope that I learn to accept my failures with a little more grace and channel that feeling like I finally did today, into something productive.

 

65 days down 300 to go

2 pounds down 50 to go)

1 battle won, 1 war that rages on

Preparedness for a Lifestyle Change

One of the most difficult things for me is being prepared for success.

It’s so very easy to stop at Little Caesar’s and grab $10.00 worth of pizza, or make a box of mac and cheese for the kids and just “finish what’s left”. Those two actions set me up to fail. Pizza alone is not filling, and cheap pizza is not tasty, if I am going to waste calories I should at least like what I am eating, and box-o’ mac-n-cheese is the same demon – it doesn’t taste good at all.

So preparation for a healthy food lifestyle is incredibly important.

This week I remembered when I had my initial success at WW in 2003 the number one thing I did was have a variety of go to options ready when I had the urge to snack. I know myself, my attitude  my emotions – I know I have not conquered not feeding them, but I can feed them in a more healthy way until I have taught myself some other coping mechanism.

 

Sunday (yesterday) I went to the grocery store prepared. I had a list and a purpose in shopping. I got the following for the week:

 

pistachios

apples

bananas

sugar free cherry and lime jello

light Reddi Whip

Wasa crackers

veggie cream cheese

celery

peppers

yogurt

 salad fixins

cucumbers

tomatoes

 

I spent most of the morning prep-ping everything; washed, cut up, eye level when the fridge is opened. I made breakfast sandwiches for the whole family, mine and Scott’s with egg, half a slice of cheese as opposed to the normal full slice and half a slice of ham, instead of sausage, on a reduced fat biscuit (English muffin or 100 calorie bagel would be a better choice, but the biscuit allows me to grab and go).

Part of my shopping strategy was to exclude things that I always say I won’t eat because they are not for me, but eat anyhow; the junkiest snack we have is Cheez-its and Goldfish Pretzels, neither of which are terrible nor a favorite of mine so I know if I resort to them I must have issue at hand that I need to deal with.

I baked this weekend and remembered the value of a can of pumpkin! This time of year a very nostalgic flavour and when used in baking to substitute the eggs and oil, omit frosting and feel little guilt about eating my own Pumpkin Cupcakes – typically a heavy substitution I added 7-up in lieu of the water to give the batter a lift and it’s only 100 calories for the 8 oz, divided into the 19 cupcakes less than 5 calories to each and no added fat, I think it’s a doable change.

So my lesson to myself is take time to be prepared. Preparation equals success against snacking, easy dinners with fewer steps because the work is half done and feeling satisfied by the meal I have made both physically and emotionally.

 

It’s time to elliptical! After a week of being sick and unable to breathe I am ready to get back on track in that realm as well.

 

9 weeks down 41 to go

2 pounds down 50 to go!!

Choices

Sitting here at 6am, sweating I just stepped off the elliptical in a house where everyone else is still asleep. Mornings I find personally are the best time to slip in my “me” time. It gives me energy for the day ahead, motivation to make smarter food choices (I will not discuss the bad choices I made  yesterday), and gives me a little confidence in myself that I made the choice to get out of bed and do this for me.

It is not selfish and really doesn’t impact anyone when I do it this way. In the coming weeks I plan on making it a regular part of my day, leaving the evenings to Scott when he’s home, and the girls. I am hoping that the regular activity will keep my positive and the numbers heading in the right direction.

I call today Choices because weight/weight loss is 99% about choices for the majority. There are many things in my life that I have little to no say in, but this one is totally on me. I must continually remind myself that what I see when I am getting out of the showers is no one else’s choice but mine and it is my choice to make the changes in me so that I love who I am.

This week I have made very smart choices, with a momentary lapse last night, but that choice is in the past.

Time to hit the shower and get a movin on this Friday.

53 down 312 to go

weight checkin on Monday!

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