Am I Tough Enough? Am I A Warrior?

 

Last week I signed up for a Tough Mudder  http://toughmudder.com/ coincidentally I am also registered to do The Warrior Dash http://www.warriordash.com/.

They are both versions of obstacle courses over miles the Dash is a shorter event. I know people who have completed both but it wasn’t until I watched the trailers on the websites that I thought to myself “Holy Crap! Can I really do this?” and then I promptly I said,”Well, hell yes I can!” There was my motivation to find a replacement activity since my elliptical is now in the dump.

So how am I going to prepare myself to be able to cross the finish line in these two events?

I started the couch to 10K on Sunday – I am not a runner, repeat I don’t run. I never have, I am slower than slow, but for me this isn’t about being the best its about finishing, proving that I do have what it takes. So day 1: walk, run, walk, run,…30 minutes later walk through the door. I far exceeded my own expectations. I only walked a few seconds of two of the run sections, for now those are only 60 seconds but I doubt 6 weeks ago I would have lasted half of any of them. Day 2: Monday 5:30 am, 26 degrees, cold rain – but I went. I had to pep talk myself through it, thankfully I was out alone on this morning because anyone in earshot might have thought I was a nut job.

“Don’t you stop you fat ass, you didn’t come out here in the cold rain to give up.”

“If it doesn’t hurt you aren’t making progress.”

and what do ya know the 30 minutes was over before I knew it and I didn’t walk any of the runs (I stopped one time to tie my shoe.) I did however carry with me all day a sense of pride and accomplishment, along with sore quads and creaky knees; but once again I did far better than I thought I would. I know that the run stints will lengthen and the activity over all will increase but it’s a step in the right direction.

 

Maybe I am a runner, maybe I’m not, but I know for certain I am not a quitter. So come hell or high water, high wall, mud pit, fire and other obstacles I will finish both of these events and earn my beer.

 

WW UPDATE:

Week 5 Weigh in was a mild success – with two nights of out to dinner I still lost .6#  for a total loss of 6.1%  of my starting weight.

 

60 sticks of butter down 184 to go

 

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5%

 Well here I am Week 4!!

 

 

 

 

I am down -13.8# . I have one pair of jeans that are on the verge of donation. The other is still just a bit too snug to be an everyday wear, I think 5-10 more pounds and I can officially say so long to my first pair of fat girl pants.

 

What did I do different this week? 

I dusted off my food scale and I weighed everything that I could. I kept up with fruits with meals and in between. I didn’t give up when my elliptical died on me, I started walking outside, it’s not the same intensity at all so I will have to find something else that will give me that, that I can make work with the time I have available and zero budget. I do love a challenge.

Speaking of challenges we are having one at Weight Watchers until St.Patty’s Day – for attendance which won’t be an issue, I won’t miss meetings unless of a family emergency (so no emergencies y’all) and the other for most weight lost. Anyone who knows me knows I love a challenge, and I admit that I am a terrible loser. So I will do everything in my power to aid my partner and I to be the winners in that one.

 

This Girl is on Fire — http://youtu.be/tNl99BLmlUs hands down my favorite workout song currently.

Aspects of Loss

There are so many aspects to weight loss.

PHYSICAL: Seeing your body shape change. It’s not easy day by day, this time I am taking a photo each week so I can see the difference along the way. Reaching into the closet and a once snug pair of pants or top finally fitting and then being donated because it’s too big. Seeing a real shape to your figure, not that round isn’t a shape but unless you are Santa, or work for Pillsbury it’s not really attractive.

EMOTIONAL: Fighting the endless fight that is the mentality of being a “fat kid”. Fighting feeding moments in your life that don’t make sense. Fighting a celebratory meal, because what if this one meal is the path to my undoing.

FINANCIAL:  Not everyone needs an organized weight loss plan, but no matter what course you follow to your goal, eating healthy is more expensive – regardless if you buy all fresh items and cook yourself or you use the gift of the pre-packaged, pre-portioned items, it’s costly. Then as weight is lost there becomes a need for a new wardrobe, which is fun but can be a strain.

ATTITUDE: As we all shed unwanted pounds there emerges even in the shyest of individuals an aura of success and confidence. A smile that spreads across a face when encountering someone we haven’t seen in a while, or are asked what we did and then we preach about the benefits of the plan of choice. People can not only see it, but can feel it.

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS: This one may be the most difficult because I find myself surrounded by of them;  I find people fall into one of these three groups:

1) Never had a weight problem, you know eat like everyday is a party and look amazing in leggings and boots, they don’t understand the accomplishment, no matter how big or small. The groups I find frustrating, because they eat all the things I crave the most and if they gain a little are able to bring it in and drop the pounds quickly without serious impact.

2) B.T.D.T. (been there done that’s) whether still maintaining their loss or have been in those shoes, people who can sincerely empathize with everything that we think, feel, and express. By far the easiest to get along with, trading secrets, recipes, sometimes in-between size clothes, they are us just at another stage, maybe a little ahead or behind but still in the same boat. Their support and true empathy is key to my success.

and finally

3) Those in our lives who need to change, who for a multitude of reasons need to experience the metamorphosis we have/will undergo but aren’t there yet, or simply don’t care to change. I find these people largely to be negative, and the most difficult because they will see our success as a threat or a fluke. Under their breath, and I can only say this because I have lived it, they will spout off criticism and yes I may fail again, life is difficult and I don’t know what’s ahead, but maybe this time I will hold fast to what I am doing and live my life in a healthy way, finding other means to deal with energy vampires and saboteurs.

 

I am firmly in group two for the ummteenth time, that whatever success we have had is short lived and we will be heavy again sometime soon, or how they feel we are self-righteous, or whatever — truth be told I’ve been in group three as well, and I hated group two’ers more than anything, I have a right to live in denial and not be subject to it.

 

I suppose my point it this: regardless of what group I am in I need only put out positive wishes for the others and live my success, hopefully I can learn and grow from every person in my life and maybe, just maybe I will help someone else along the way.

 

 

 

 

Monday…again

I’ve always struggled with weight. At age 7 I did Weight Watchers the first time.

 

I remember hoarding Twinkies in my room, I know my mother knew this was happening. I still find myself putting the things I like most in the back of the fridge or shelf, not that we have many items that could really cause issue – but yes I’ve eaten bakers chocolate, spoons of brown sugar, and my kids goodies from party days. My admission “aloud” isn’t an easy one. But beneath whatever body I’m in, I’m a fat kid looking for a fix. This confession also allows me to ask for help.

 

I thought I had made big steps in combating this addiction, but tonight I made a massive dinner for myself. I sat before two bowls. However this time one was full of fresh steamed broccoli, the other with some noodles and turkey that I made on Sunday. As I put my fork in the first bite it was like someone was about to take it from me, I had to hide it so no one saw that I was eating that much. I stuffed it all down and then realized as I did the dishes I had no reason what so ever to feel bad about what I was eating. It was broccoli with a little salt and pepper, the noodles I measured, 2 cups, the turkey 6 oz. I have points to spare.

 

So at what point will I be able to accept eating alone to not be bad? I don’t know, because I did feel guilty about eating it. I journalled it, I did exactly what I was supposed to do. When will the emotional response be appropriate to the action. I should have been proud that what I ate was:

a) healthy

b)in line with my daily plan

c)O.K.

 

So have I made progress?

 

I have to say yes. It was a lot of food to look at, however it was the correct foods for me. It was warm and filling. I think my guilt stems from the speed at which I consumed it. This is something I need to focus on, perhaps  putting my fork down between bites, taking a drink between bites,..something to ponder.

Note to self

Dear Me:

 

                Today has been a hard day.

I am proud of you for only eating 3 cookies, it could have been easily 7-10, you ate the dinner you planned instead of caving in for heart shaped pizza, you had a yummy lunch and made a choice that allowed you to enjoy something you really like.

It’s ok that you skipped a work out today, everyone needs a day of rest now and then. It doesn’t mean you won’t tomorrow, or the day after that…

It’s ok that you are feeling a little low and just want to cry. This is real life. Your triumph is that you didn’t feed it no matter how bad you wanted to.

So, relax. Enjoy (or try to) a night of rest. There are days left until Sunday, one day off doesn’t mean the week was a loss, it’s a moment and in the past. Let it go and let’s move forward.

Remember that I love you, you are doing great, this is a difficult journey and no one can be strong all the time, that also means that no one is weak all the time.

 

 

Did you know I have a partner in crime?

 

I do. She lives waaaay out here:

 

 

It’s my oldest sister, Piper’s birthday twin. She is the reason I am back on the WW program. We text throughout the week when we are struggling, before and after a weigh in, when we feel lost, tempted, victorious.

It’s important to have a partner.

Tomorrow is her weigh in day. I know she is nervous and is struggling – but let me tell you something this woman, went on vacation after being on plan a few weeks and lost! Can you imagine that? A huge accomplishment. The lesson I learned from that is that it is possible to go away and not have the ideal situation and still be successful.

She reminds me to not beat myself up if I have an off day, but to keep going! So this entry is for her – please don’t give up. I believe in you. I am proud of you. I know it’s difficult, but giving up isn’t an option; live your real life moments, feed your body and soul, believe in you like I do and those who love you do.

The weight loss industry wouldn’t have it’s own isle in the store if it was easy, no pill, surgery, drink, trainer, program can do it – it ultimately comes from within. Your drive = your success. So, get your head out of your ass and think positive!!!

I love you!

But I don’t want to

many of us can relate to this statement in one of two ways: as something we said as a child, or something our children say to us.

That was me today – I really didn’t want to get on the elliptical. My back hurt, my chest hurt, I’m tired and worn out, but then I thought about my weigh in yesterday – one pound, four sticks of butter, I know I can do better than that, I expect more than that from myself.  I know what I didn’t do, I know what I need to do, and slipping into bed without logging my minutes would only make me disappointed in myself.

In this adventure it is only my opinion of myself that really matters. If I go to bed at night and know that I did enough, that I was enough, then I will sleep; but if I don’t give my all I am only cheating myself.

So, reluctantly, I stepped onto what tonight was the noisiest 30 minutes of my life, and much to my surprise when I was done, I felt good. I had some dinner, a hot bath and in just a few minutes I will lay down to rest.

Success is not measured in the end result alone, it’s the mini-victories along the way. It’s saying no to seconds, choosing the smaller portion, living real life as it presents itself, doing when you don’t wanna….

My goal for the week is to hit my 5% loss and then some, eight sticks of butter would make a happy me indeed.

down 45 sticks or 11.2 pounds since January 20

199 sticks to go or 61 pounds

 

Rewards

Like children and dogs, adults (well this one at least) are motivated by rewards. Many times we celebrate with a meal – but when rewarding weight loss, food hardly seems to be an appropriate reward. I love having a goal to work toward, knowing when I reach a certain point that there will be a little something to celebrate.

 

<—So I created this, it’s hanging on my refrigerator so when I am tempted to have something I really don’t need I can see how it may impact me reaching my reward.

 

I had to choose things that I like and consider indulgent, things that are a real treat for me. Some of them don’t have any monetary payout, but the emotional reward, the moment of sweet success well to quote Mastercard, priceless.

 

There have been quite a few occasions where I have had my boredom cured by reading them over, nothing tastes as good as success, that feeling of accomplishment…they say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, I used to believe that (seriously if you haven’t tasted my chocolate butter cream, yeah it’s pretty dam good. hahaha).

 

I state it that way because this isn’t about being skinny, or the rewards. When I consider it, give it serious thought it’s about being enough. Enough for myself. To know that by my discipline I can in fact overcome the demon that is my own personal addiction with food. It’s about being healthy, living a long life that allows me to be the best mother physically that I can be, it’s reaching an old age and not being dependant on a cabinet full of pills and calendar full of medical appointments.

 

It’s a slow and steady journey and I’m taking it one pound at a time, one meal at a time.

 

 

Sunday Funday

the old sayings hold much truth….

if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink

you can’t make someone change

Changes can only occur when you want them to, this doesn’t apply to weight loss and fitness only. If you want better relationships you must foster them, happier children – give them your time, advancement at work – put in the hours…so when I stepped on the scale two weeks ago and saw 236, I cried.

 How did I get here again?

I know the answer to the question, I stopped caring about what I put into my body, I forgot the purpose of food was to nourish my body. I continue to let food be my outlet for success, failure, pain, confusion…everything.

The best part of this epiphany is that I also know what works, and though it be a sacrifice, I knew it’s what I needed to help me have a sense of order, one thing I have ultimate control over, something that depends on no one but myself.

On Sunday January 20th I joined Weight Watchers www.weightwatchers.com/index.aspx  , again. I figured that on a Sunday morning the group would be small, and I wouldn’t be missing or having to choose something over the meeting or worry about where the girls would be so I could go, this is my church, the meetings in the past have been one of the key components to my success. I need to hear that other people are succeeding, I need to share with people who more than understand the struggle that is obesity.

I dressed in the lightest clothing a January day would permit, after having talked to Scott about how much I needed this and receiving not only his blessing but his support, a kiss on the cheek and his promise to help me in moments of weakness.

Was I shocked to walk in and see the room packed, I mean 80 people probably! I filled out my paperwork and sat down. The meeting started and I was immediately drawn in. The leader wasn’t 85 (kudos to those leaders who still go when they are older and have the courage to stand before a group and try to inspire, I have been to my fair share of meetings and I know what kind of personality it takes to keep me there). This lady was amazing, it wasn’t a leader and a group, it was a friend talking to her friends – I found Sunday Funday! A mix of women and men, old and young, mothers and daughters, friends, strangers, people at their first meeting and people celebrating years of maintenance.  I felt the leaders passion in her language and action, I could feel my success starting and I was 30 minutes in. The program is slightly different than before, I no longer hate the 2 point banana, the apps for my phone make it so very easy to stay on track, I don’t need a big purse to carry my notebook and point calculator.

This time I also begin with a different perspective:

1) I have children, this isn’t just about me. The last time it was me and my ex-husband who was rarely home I had 60+ minutes a day to give to exercise, I had time in the evening to labor over a healthy dinner and then sit and eat it. This time I have to make time for me to be successful, the meeting is the first step. So I am planning meals, I plan backward, what will the kids eat, that I can cook the night before or in 20 minutes or less of walking in the door, then I load the rest of the day with what will meet the rest of my points, and yes some day’s its only fruit and yogurt but I love that so it’s not really a sacrifice.

2) Real life will happen. There will be times when I have to make the best of a less than ideal situation.  I can’t be angry at myself, I can only accept and move forward – I AM NOT PERFECT.

3) My goal is realistic.

I have been blessed for my monthly pass to be a gift that I am getting from a third party, for that I am so very thankful 🙂

 

So here is me after my second week of being on the plan:

Starting weight 236#(left) 225.8(right -10.2#)

I have lost over 10 pounds in two weeks. This is not typical loss, not for the plan, not for me. My expectation of myself is 1 pound a week, slow and healthy loss.

 

 

 

 

2003 169#’s – still considered overweight pants are a size 6

 

 

 

My biggest struggle is the knowledge that I will never reach lifetime without a Dr.’s note. I am not a small person and the last time I was in the program I looked like this and I was not at my goal weight – I was about 10 pounds away from it; at this weight WW said I was still overweight. I was a size 4-6 depending if I was wearing pants or a skirt, you didn’t want to see the naked version, I was literally skin and bones. This is something I have difficulty accepting, to be this small and still considered overweight – I look terrible. I know this. I know where I look healthy and feel good.

 

 

My goal is 175#, at that weight I am about a size 10.

My wedding rings will fit comfortably

I will be ok wearing shorts (I haven’t worn them in 5 years)

I have a pair of jeans in the closet I am positive will fit along with 10 other pairs of pants/tops and shoes.

 

 

 

 

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