I’m Stuck

…it’s been a few weeks since I have written anything. Honestly, I’m stuck. The numbers aren’t moving. I understand plateau, it’s difficult. I’d have to say the emotional is what’s holding me back the most, and my truthful accountability.

I’ve been logging activity – I joined a gym (if anyone local is looking Fitworks in Florence is having a special March 27th and you can join for about $9.00 a month!) I have been there everyday, despite not feeling 100%, pushing myself to go as hard as I can without crying, not from physical pain or discomfort, fighting the urge to quit. Tuesday in fact I ran more than I ever have, my intervals are up to 2 minutes and I did 10 sets of them, so I am getting exercise.

It’s food, it’s always food. I knew when the Dr. put me back on birth control pills it would slow the loss, and I think mentally I let myself give into that, a handful of M&M’s, some chips off the girls plate, not counting the thing I stuff in my mouth when no one is looking – the absolute binge I had on Sunday and Monday…I even got on my scale at home, the worst possible thing I could have done; and yes I cried, that deep silent cry of defeat. I know it was wrong to do it, I knew it would show me what I didn’t want to see and yet I tortured myself with it anyhow. Of course as I breathed out (because somehow I think it makes me weigh less) and I saw the number I was full of “Stop it! You can do this!” and simultaneously “I hate this and why can’t I have a healthy relationship with food?” I’m sure I could spend all my insurance dollars talking to a therapist and a nutritionist, fact is I know what’s wrong, I know why I love food, I know why I hate food, I just lack the will power to over come it.

Now, some people may say something to the effect of ,”But when you are thin and healthy life will be so much easier.” Which, physically that may be true, being active with the girls and such will be easier, yes I will look nicer in clothing, I will be able to accomplish the tasks I have said I would. But a little tip from this BTDT weight loser, weight loss is only about 10% physical, the other 90% is emotional.

 

I am so accustomed to being overweight, being looked at (and not because I am some breathtaking beauty who is stealing hearts all over town), being told to drop a few, promised rewards for being thinner, it’s the very definition of me, fat kid.  Weight loss, major weight loss, is the single most emotional change, I would say even in comparison to having a baby, that can happen to a person who has been fat all their life.

While I have spent the majority of my life above to well above my goal weight there is no pressure to be pretty or active, there is the constant self-loathing and sadness that consumes me, but it’s who I am. This journey to a better physical is so emotional I will take almost any excuse to derail myself into failure.

So where do I go from here? It’s Thursday, weigh in is 3 days away, I know I can’t stay for the meeting this week, I promised my girls an Easter activity and it’s at the same time, this week they come first. I am dreading getting on the scale after my whopping -.2 last week (and a +1.6 the week before). I sit at 15# lost in 9 weeks.

When will I love myself enough to just let it be, to accept the me that I am right now, to stop letting that number dictate my self worth, to enjoy the adventure and re-shape my thought process, to view myself as breathtaking in my eyes….I don’t know.

 

My sister Robin sent me a link to this article today it’s an interesting read:

http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/losing-180-pounds-really-does-body-8212-160-163900419.html

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