Easily Defeated

Just when I start to feel really good about the progress that I have made, seeing that I am half way in fact to my personal goal, I am reminded that people still view me as the “fat kid”.  When I was out running today, a run that ended up being one cut short due to circumstances beyond my control, some man driving past me had to yell out the window of his jalopy “Look at you fat ass!”  I normally can’t hear much of what is going on around me because of the music, but I was running on a busier street not near my house, a lot more traffic I felt it was smart to turn it down a little, at home I wouldn’t have heard him. But those 5 words cut me. I have spent the rest of today battling the emotions that it stirred up.

I know what I am. I know what I’m not, I know what I never will be and what I don’t want to be. I like my curves, it’s womanly, motherly…what that man stole from me today will take months to rebuild. For he crept in with 5 words and stole the confidence that progress had built up over the past 7 months.

This journey has been so much harder, personally I have had to face more set backs due to life events than I ever have before, I have had to adopt and learn, teach and teach myself again how to eat, what to eat, how to exercise, to not feel guilty when I take time for me to do these things. It’s taken me 7 months to drop 30#, in my head I would have been within pounds of my goal by now based on my past successes. But, I’m not 27 this time, I have children and I have accepted that losing this weight slowly, in the long run will lead to loss that is more permanent. The mindset is so much harder to reshape than the body.

In my head I am always going to be the “fatkid” I am always going to think about what I looked like before, what I want to look like, what I look like in comparison to other women around me. I am always going to think about every bite I take, and what people think about what I am eating. I am not certain that I will ever overcome completely the emotional aspects of food, it’s who I am.

In 5 words that man, who I will never see again,  will never know how his few words brought me down so much. I am disappointed in the fact that I let it bother me that much, but it did. I know what I am, I didn’t need a reminder, and he doesn’t know that 7 months ago I was bigger, softer, weaker; he doesn’t know what I have accomplished, it doesn’t matter to him, for 15 seconds he got to be cruel to a total stranger (and let that be a lesson when I have negative thoughts about anyone else because certainly I don’t know their journey and have no right to think anything about them over me).

So, tomorrow I will approach the day with a better attitude. Start my climb back up, reach for that goal that isn’t so far away, and tonight hope that the man who brought me down, thinks twice before he does it again.

Confidence is so fragile.

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