I’m A Dropout…Again

I made the difficult decision this past weekend to discontinue my membership at Weight Watchers. I have been so very blessed to have been gifted this for the past year, I appreciative for the love and support my sister was generous enough to give, but I have just been wasting the gift. The last few months I had been maintaining and then I have had a slight gain.

Why in this moment give up again? I started looking at how I used the program, how I manipulated the points, it really didn’t make me any more accountable than being at home, and once I gave up the meetings, lost the love I felt there, it just doesn’t make sense to continue on.

Does that mean I am giving up? Hell no! I had an ah-ha moment yesterday when I went to yoga sitting on my mat in front of the full length mirror, I cried.

Who is this person I am looking at? Where is my self love? Why did I let myself slide again?

I can make excuses all over the place, I dislike my job, trying to sell the house, endless worries about paying bills, just me as a person; the reality is, it’s all me. I choose to eat when I can’t control my life…two cheeseburgers, ice cream, beer, way too much diet soda, candy, candy, candy….no one forces me to eat this, I open my mouth and stuff myself until I “feel better” and then I feel guilty.

I can’t say that I will ever win this battle, but maybe I can teach myself to cope with it. I have decided to challenge myself to 21 days of clean eating, food is my issue, not exercise my foot (knock on wood) I believe is healed, I ran 6 miles this weekend, and 4 days last week with very minimal discomfort; this is a test of my accountability to me, no excuses. Coincidentally it takes 21-28 days to form a new and lasting habit.

My time is now.

I must love myself enough

I must believe in myself enough

 

 

 

There is A Pond, In the middle of the forest…

Monday afternoon came along and I was here reading some of the blogs I love and came across a post from stuffmybrainthinks she posted a link to Oprah and Deepak’s Meditation Experience.

I have done meditation in the past, when I was in martial arts our Sensei at the end of the evening would have us sit Seiza, a calm would come over the room. His voice powerful, not loud, just strong….”There is a pond in the middle of the forest it is cool, calm, it has no ripples…” we would sit and over the minutes, some nights just a few some more than we knew our knees could handle; almost instantly I could feel my heart rate slow, my breathing light, the sweat dripping down the crease in my back, my knees soften, palms up, I could feel the heat radiating away from my body….”There is a pond in the middle of the forest it is cool, calm, it has no ripples…”

I decided to check it out, it’s free why not?? My mind could definitely use some structured relaxation, what an oxymoron that statement is.

Tuesday night, after a rather long day at work, I decided that  I was going to give this a try. I took a warm bath after getting everything ready for the next morning trying to let my mind be free of the things that were ahead of me, wanting this 20 minutes just for me.

 

  Oprah gave a very short introduction, Deepak provided the mantra for the session LAM  (http://ar-yoga.com/feel/chakras/root-chakra/I am security the centering though: My security and peace are within. The light piano music allowed me to only focus on the mantra, LAM…LAM…LAM. Laying in my bed in Savasana, the kids breathing heavily in their beds, Scott not home from class just yet, the dog had taken up residence in the recliner.Before I knew it the bell went off and the time had passed. I was so very calm, I crawled under the covers and had the best night sleep I have had in a very long time. I repeated this process on Wednesday night and then Thursday as the email for the next day comes in at 3am; I realize now that I can’t do meditation in the morning, I just fall back to sleep, thankfully traffic was light and I wasn’t late.

This journey to a healthier me I sometimes forget isn’t just a physical and mental adventure, it’s spiritual and emotional. I have to reshape and exercise all aspects of “self”. I am eager to see how this 21 day plan for meditation impacts me as a whole.

 

Anatomy of My Run

Saturday was a beautiful day.

I was up at 6:30, thankful in my bed that the girls were worn out enough to still be asleep. I quietly slipped on my running shoes, to hear the footsteps of little people greeting me, but they were content to watch TV until daddy got up while I went to run.

It’s been a long time since I ran four miles, I know it was last year. This week my mantra has been that of do what feels good to my body. I set out intentionally with a goal and modify as I need to.

ANATOMY OF MY RUN: My runs now start with a yoga in the drive way; forward fold, downward dog, half downward dog, warrior two, forward fold, reach for the sun, set my intention for the run to feel the strength of my body,  as my muscles stretch I feel more relaxed, my back not as tense, my legs ready to go. Walk for a moment or two, ease into the run with a slow jog. Music running through my head, Clarity, Happy, Ricochet… pick up the pace. Down the hill, lose the music for a minute, up the hill it comes back, listen to my breath, feel my feet hit the pavement, strike in the middle, not the heel, think about it,  breath deliberately. One mile down, finally this year I have made it a mile straight, down, down, down, dreading the up that’s followed by a steeper up, “Run the whole thing, don’t quit!” reach the stop sign, smile at yourself. Turn left, two mile stop is close, today is the day I make four again. The sun peeking over the treetops now, I smile wider, the beat fuels me. My legs feel strong, my lungs don’t ache for breath, it all feels in sync, for a moment I consider stretching this to a six mile day and then remind myself I am still recovering, I don’t want my months of stretching and little runs to be for nothing; six and more will be here before I know it. Feel the sweat dripping down my arms under a long sleeved shirt, down the middle of my back, time to take the shirt off, instantly feel cooler, even a little chilly. Turn back into the subdivision. Down the hill, sprint it, run it hard, take advantage, down again, use it to push me up. Two more hills and head for home….walk in the door. Breathless. 50:02. It’s far from my best, but it felt amazing to go out and do it.

Running is therapy for me. I don’t need anyone to do it with me, I actually prefer to go alone. Many runs have a pause for tears, it’s when I am out there alone I can feel whatever I need to – sadness, pride, frustration, anger, joy – many of my runs there is a stretch where no one can hear me and sometimes I will scream, sometimes it’s really loud, but it lightens me.

I get home refreshed, renewed, able to give my love and attention to those who need it.

 

 

Thank you Rob !!

 Wahoo Rob, the author of weight2lose2013 nominated me for a Wonderful Team Member Readership award! I have proudly displayed this blog bling to the right – take a peek you know you wanna!!

TEAMWORK:  The process of working collaboratively with a group of people in order to achieve a goal. Teamwork is often a crucial part of a business, as it is often necessary for colleagues to work well together, trying their best in any circumstance. Teamwork means that people will try to cooperate, using their individual skills and providing constructive feedback, despite any personal conflict between individuals.

I love the community here, the resources, creativity and sharing is really motivating!

So with this award comes the honor of nominating other blogs as well. Listed below are some of the blogs that I really have enjoyed reading..

  1. myspokenheart
  2. Kalevera
  3. Sometimes Martha Always Mary
  4. Home Yoga Practice
  5. Stop just existing and start living
  6. Headlong Running Betty
  7. Cat’s Mewsings
  8. Stuff My Brain Thinks
  9. Making Sense from MY Perspective
  10. Ray Ferrer – Emotion on Canvas
  11. MY JOURNEY, MY LIFE TO A NEW ME
  12. Life with “Courage”
  13. Talkin’ Reckless
  14. Calorie Slut
  15. Weight2lose2013

 

So, here are the rules:

Rules for this award:

1.  Display your award.

2.  Thank the person nominating you on their blog.

3.   Nominate 14 blogs who are readers of your blog.

4.   Let the nominees know.

Inching On

MEASUREMENTS for April:

Bust   44″ now 41″   April 41″ = stayed the same

Rear 47″ now 41.75″  April 43.75″ =  increase by 2″

Waist  42″ now 35.75″ April 37″ = increase by 1.25″

Arms  17″ now 14.25″ April 14.75″ = increase by .5″

Thigh   29.5″ now 24″ April 24″ = stayed the same

Calves  20″ now 18.75″ April 19″ = increase .25″

 BMI  37   now 31.9 April 32.7 = .8 increase

Pants  14/16 now 12/14 = stayed the same but tighter fit

Shirt  XL now L = stayed the same but tighter fit

Total measurable loss   26.5″ and 32.4#  April 22.5″ and 27# 

Miles ran: 36 /700 for 2014photo

 

I have given a lot of my mental energy to thinking about my foot and the if/when it’s ever going to feel better. The reality is that it will just take time, there is nothing more I can really do to aid in its recovery.

I have tried to blame a love-loss with Weight Watchers, no space in the house to work out, blah, blah, blah….I am the only person to blame for where I am at now.

Yesterday morning I took pictures and measurements again. I can see where my dedication last summer slimmed my waist. I can feel it too, I feel so soft. My back was aching yesterday and I was having a little at home yoga session and I could I feel the “chunkiness” in my breath.  After that I realized my success really does lay in my hands. So I lovingly packed my lunch for work. Cut up the fruits that I picked for this week at the store, and had a little talk with myself about my goals and where I want to be; reminding myself that little changes, over time make the most impact, that the 4% of a day I know I need to feel good about myself is manageable….and at 4:30 this morning I pulled myself out of bed and stepped out the front door and logged a run. I was very happy with my pace at 12:12/mile, even better I was able to lay back down for a few minutes before I had to get dressed.

I have a sensible meal packed and dinner planned.

Nana used to say “Yard by yard, life is hard; Inch by Inch, life is a sinch.” I’m sure someone famous is responsible for that quote, but she is the one I heard it from.

So inch on I tell me, inch on.

 

 

 

Competition

I am an incredibly competitive person.

I hate to lose.

I love having a goal to push toward.

 

Last weekend I went back to Weight Watchers after two weeks of using My Fitness Pal; results, personally I lost 3.2#, for WW I lost 1#. So it was a success and I really like the tracking aspect much better than the WW ap – I feel that tracking calories and being accountable for everything eaten is not only a better method, but makes me think more before I consume anything. Had I been totally honest and tracked every single day of the 14 I would have lost more.

 

When I arrived home I started the fun task of cleaning out my closet of the winter items, some of which I am going to be donating next fall because they are too big, and as I looked through things from last summer I notice that some garments still fit and some do not – they are too tight.

 

Then like many women do, I dared myself to stand in front of our mirror naked and take an honest look at what I saw.

 

I often think about the difference between what I see and what my husband sees, what other people see, and I looked again.

Conclusion: The only opinion that means anything is my own. If I don’t like it, no showering of compliments or criticisms is going to make any difference, and the mirror needed some Windex.

 

So why then do I make myself feel like I am competing against women in their 20’s, who haven’t had kids, or have more time to work out, etc… the competition shouldn’t be with any of those outside forces!!

 

Reality Check: I am never going to be in my 20’s again, I am never going to have the body I did before kids, it’s not likely that I will ever have the time to give a few hours for working out a day, or hours a day to plan and cook the perfect meals. But, what I do have is an idea in my head of what I want, and how I can make that happen

Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com
Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com