Just Breathe

On Wednesday nights at 7:45 I leave my house and I take my mommy time.  I take a slow flow yoga class (I also take one on Sunday mornings), I really love both instructors, each has her own unique teaching method, which I appreciate.  The evening class comes at a good point for me in the week, it’s a running rest day on my current plan, the kids will be asleep when I get home, after a hot shower it’s usually the best night of sleep I get.  Last night I unrolled my mat in the corner where no one would be to my right. I sat and massaged my feet and thought about the events of the week…the stress load has lightened slightly. The instructor welcomed the class and I set my intention for my practice, the same one I set every week, I somehow hope the person that is in my thoughts feels my love.  The music selection usually involves something very beachy, soft and light, as we moved from pose to pose, one song faded out and the next starts in, last night as the music transitioned I heard a mellow guitar melody I knew in those first notes of the song that I was going to cry, Just Breathe ~  Pearl Jam.  The first time I heard this song I fell in love with it, when my grandmother passed in 2012 I was blessed to be the person who created her video memory. This was the song I chose.

Downward facing dog, to plank, lower slowly, breathe, tears streaming down my face, trying not to audibly sob, pull through upward facing dog, eyes closed, breathe, roll over my toes and back to downward dog. Tears drop onto my mat, so warm, feeling the heat rise from within me, up my chest and to my face, struggling to breathe, I tried to fight the tears but I lost. Dripping onto my shirt, mascara leaving the tell tale sign of crying on my flush cheeks. Mountain pose, strong and stable, inside weak and so sad.  Balance on the left foot, King Dancer , reaching, stretching, crying….finally making it to supported shoulder stand , gently back down, breathe, corpse….5, 10 , 15 minutes I have no idea. I lay there tears just flowed down my face, my neck, beneath me. Everything hurt, my back and legs, my head and heart.

I got in my car and headed home, I watched my littles sleep, kissed Scott on the forehead as he slept in the chair and went to bed myself. I was rather exhausted.

I set out with intentions to have a relaxing yoga class, to have a little time away from the stress of day to day life, to ease the ache that lingers in my body from all that I put it through, and what I did was emotionally empty myself.

http://youtu.be/kuq7RYQ8Wa0

Just Breathe

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh

Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I  love

Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they’ve got non

 

Stay with me….

Let’s just breathe…

 

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me wun, uh-huh

Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh

I don’t wanna hurt, there’s  so much in this world to make me bleed

 

Stay with me…

You’re all I see…

 

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

 

As I come clean….

I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh

Everything you gave

And nothing you would save, oh no

 

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave….

 

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see

No one knows that more than me

And I come clean, ah….

 

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Hold me till I die

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New Dresses

This past weekend I went to Kohl’s, it’s the only store close by to shop at that isn’t the Wal *Mart, sometimes I just go to look around and have a little space from the kids. This particular trip I was actually going to the bank, my employer does not believe in Direct Deposit (what year is it???) Anyhow since I was so close, and I was kiddo free I figured it was worth a little lookie see.

I love dresses, almost as much as I love jeans. I pawed through every rack, strapless, sleeveless, short and long, tube top, racer back, fancy and casual; a plethora of colors and sizes and oh my patterns, somethings I will never be trendy enough for. I had my mind made up there wasn’t anything right for me today and that’s OK, while in loss mode I rarely buy something until it’s absolutely necessary, but then it caught my eye. Mint green and navy blue stripes! Contrary to popular belief stripes do not make me look wider; I frowned there was only
1 and it was a medium. Medium is the size I order at Dairy Queen, I’d really like a large and should order a mini…oh right the dress. There was a blue and black in large so I figured try that on and if I like it I can order it online. Much to my surprise it was too big! A large was too big!!! I slipped the medium on and it hugged me perfectly. My hips are wide, before kids and after, my shoulders broad, and I have a nice tan from my morning runs…I can’t remember the last time I smiled in a fitting room.

I wore it to work Monday and received many compliments, in fact I went back and got the blue and black also.

As a notorious “fatkid” I often forget that the right fit even on an imperfect body makes a HUGE impact.

A selfie of me in the blue and black and the ad for the other one…I’d wear them every day!

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It’s Official – Half Marathon Training Has Begun

Saturday I officially added a half marathon training program to my Run Keeper. When I signed up for the Queen Bee I counted the weeks I had until then and knew that the weekend of the 15th was the time to begin. It’s 16 weeks with 4 runs a week, I will probably still do my 5-6, I need that for my sanity.  The program has a lofty goal of completing this 13.1 mile journey in 2 hours and 15 minutes, I will be very happy with anything under 2-1/2 hours.

Sunday was designated as the first day, and a rest day at that, but I went out both Saturday and Sunday logging 10 miles, 7 of the 10 were under 12 minutes! I felt really good about that, it took me most of last year to get to 11:22 as my average pace, experience and passion has helped me get there a little quicker this year.

My feet feel good, my legs felt strong, I am not in love with my new shoes so there is research and fitting to be done on that front.

Yesterday was a rest day, I could feel that I needed it. I was in the Dollar Store getting ice, I had on this new dress I gifted myself (I will admit it looks dam good on me), she said:

Lady: “You must have been at the pool today!’

Me: “Um nope”

Laday: “Oh, tanning bed!”

Me: “Nope.”

Lady: “Well you are very tan.”

Me: ” Yes ma’am, I am a runner, I run a lot.”

Lady: “Oh that’s nice, I walk five miles a week! That’s a lot!”

Me: “That is and it’s so good for you! Congratulations. I run 20-25 miles a week.”

Lady: <silence>

I just smiled and she paid and left. I know by many runners what I log a week isn’t that much, for me it’s an accomplishment every day.

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Mental Health – It’s a trap!

I was given some homework – to review a series of Mind Traps …”Many feelings such as sadness, anxiety and anger are caused and kept alive by the conclusion that we make. Sometimes we make wrong conclusions over and over because we are stuck in mind traps that rob us of our ability to be logical.”

All-or-Nothing Thinking, filtering and Selective Abstraction, Catastrophizing, Self-References, Arbitrary Inference & Temporal Causality, Emotional Reasoning, Overgeneralization, Mind Reading, Excessive Responsibility, Labeling, I Should, Poisoning the Positive, They Should, Magnification or Minimization, Unfair Comparisons, Fortune Telling, and Thought as Things.

Over the next two weeks I have to think about the documentation for each and choose the ones I am most guilty of.

We discussed my opinion of myself the last session and he asked what I liked about myself, who ever thinks about that? I came up with my tattoos and my interaction with my children. This time we talked more about my sabotaging my own happiness, and why I do it, my struggle with failure and acceptance. Somewhere along the line I have taught myself to worry so much that it has become counter productive and not the normal worry, not the worry most people have.

I talked myself out of worrying this past weekend, I kept the promises I made myself, I didn’t cry and I didn’t worry. My patience is still incredibly thin, I get frustrated and can’t think straight, but I am controlling my anger, I am keeping quiet until it subsides and then calmly react to the situation.

I am gonna call this mild progress.

 

 

 

 

 

Legs

My legs are long and thick.
My hips wide and strong, my Dr. told me at 18 I was built for childbirth, they ache and I worry about following in my grandmother’s steps as I have in so many other ways.
My knees ache, years crouched behind home plate, and most of my life being overweight.
My feet feel things they previously haven’t felt, toes that have been broken and bruise; still freshly recovered from faciatiis.

Tonight I ran.

At 9:45 tonight after a long day, grocery shopping, mommying, I pulled on the pants and my favorite purple top, laced up my shoes and I headed out.

I turned the corner from the first uphill, my legs felt strong, for the first time in a long time feel I didn’t anything pulling, aching, nagging, I felt fast. I was disappointed when I hit 1.5 miles that my time was no better than it had been, just a bit above 12/mile; regardless I felt good.

I’m not feeling very confident about my 100 miles for the month, but the 10# I feel very good about!!

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Mental Health

Mental health is a touchy subject. No one likes to admit they need help. So why on Earth would anyone write about it? Simple for me: I eat. I shop. I run. I write, perhaps it belongs in my other blog http://ayeayecaptainmommy.wordpress.com/ ; I chose this one because this relates to my health and wellness and that is the focus of this blog. I have written this post actually 3 or 4 times, debating if I really wanted to put it here or not. Should I make it private or share it…I stepped away from it for a few days and have come back to it. This last weekend was a really rough one. It started with payday. I really dread Friday’s anymore. We are lucky that I am paid weekly and Scott bi-weekly so we always have money coming in, but now it just isn’t enough, the set back we have encountered has been very difficult, how do you decide to either pay bills or feed kids; feed kids wins. We had made so much progress in the last year overcoming my job change, my loss of income, to finally being able to have a treat now and then, to work on the house to sell. Now I am up at night sick with worry about it. People ask me, “Have you looked for a second job?” Of course I have, I think I have applied for over 50 to get the following replies: Dollar General  – cashier you aren’t a qualified candidate – hummmm college educated makes me unqualified? Ebay – pick n pack – weekends include Monday? Huh? Really my full-time job seems to think that’s a week day Amazon – pick n pack – we only interview M-F 8-5, you can’t come in then? and have 4 people in 1 day call me about it Huntington Learning – after school tutor – the position is from 3-8, I can be there at 5:30, no you have to work 3-8, thanks, this is actually something I have the qualifications to do, and do well UPS & FedEx – package handler – you have to tour the building, those tours are at 6 am and 4:30 pm lasting 90 mins… ok I can’t make that because of my full-time job And please don’t ask about being a server, the “fat girl” won’t work in the food industry, the temptation would be to great for me. I just don’t see how all these places have jobs available and expect me to be flexible with my schedule but offer zero flexibility to theirs? We are certainly not looking for pity, a hand out, a hand up, but at least an opportunity to help ourselves with a situation that is going to ruin us. I am thankful that I have insurance that covers counseling,  for all the strength I feel I normally have I feel so weak right now. I can’t say that I have found any magic solution to the problem at hand, but it does help to talk to someone unbiased, and I run before I go so I have a physical drain right before I emotionally unload. I am battling constantly the urge to feed the sadness, the frustration of what to do and how to do it… I am so very thankful that I have shoes and a sidewalk, and time to run, and cry and let it out and know that this will not break us, define us, truly it won’t ruin us but it will make us stronger because when all is said and done much like the Phoenix we will rise from the ashes, it may not be pretty and the giant steps back will be more difficult. I keep telling myself there is some reason this is all happening, I just wish I understood why and when this rather rocky path was going to even out just a little bit, enough to move and start fresh. I suppose my purpose of this post is to keep in mind that while working toward my physical goals, there is more to life than a good diet, a good run and a good pair of shoes.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8NLPScdrEE  Angry All the Time Tim McGraw

500th mile

Yesterday was the Redlegs 10K, they also offered and elite 5k, 5k run/walk, a family fun run/walk and a kids on field run, all of these events raised over $200K for the Reds Community fund that supports youth baseball in the Cincinnati area. No way would I pass up a chance to get the view Chapman does as he runs in, as my cross over the finish line.

It was not a record breaking run, I didn’t PR , but it was another 6 miles in my bank and I didn’t realize until I finished that half way through as I crossed over the bridge into Newport I ran my 500th mile, (Insert a little pride and a big smile).

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Next event is the Fourth of July 5K in the town where I grew up, also this event was my first race ever. I completed it in 36:14, my goal is to finish this year in under 33 minutes.

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