Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright?

I try really hard to not worry. What a redundant stupid sentance, try not to worry. My level of worry is pretty much this: This morning I woke up at 4am, well first to let the dog out, then to realize daughter #1 was up watching Chopped (kid has Netflix, and she watches Chopped, I love it!), and then it started… Que internal monologue music

“Did I pay the bills? If I didn’t, did I over spend at the grocery and can I now pay the bills? How cold is it? Maybe I should run now. Wait, is it raining? What time is it? 4:20 am I can’t wait to go on my mental health trip later this month. Oh crap do I have a bag for that?  What time is it? 4:25.  Did I let the dog in? Did I pay the bills? Maybe I should re-fi the house and be done with it. I really want a newer car, can I afford that? What’s the Dr. gonna say Wednesday? What if I have to have surgery again? How will that impact my tranining, maybe I should just go run. I’m so tired, my bed is so warm. The dog wants in. 4:40.” 

Lay back down, re-set alarm for 6:30, knowing that will make me late = crankier than I know I already will be. Think about people I love, wonder how they are, worry about how they are, remind myself that everything will be alright. I ate too much yesterday, vow to be a good girl all week (which meant I didnt eat at work today, again)…..until 6:30 somewhere I dozed back off…thinking.

My head literally never stops. I can’t focus on just one thing. Saturday: baked from scratch 2 desserts, washed the dog, scrubbed the floor, made dinner at some point, washed laundry, played Easter bunny and breathed. This was all at once, I never stopped to enjoy myself.  

Truth is, I know this: 

 But  thoughts just went on and on and on and I cried, my goodness mostly silent sobs with my face turned where no one could see it but I was drained. 

Tip of the day, don’t bet a dollar on me, throw it out the window instead.

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