Fourth Of July 5K 2016

Do you ever wake up at 3:30 in the morning to your child who just had their tonsils and adenoids out standing beside your bed crying and think,”I’m gonna have a great run today!” Nope, me either; but, that was my reality today. After 90 minutes of convincing the child who loves medicine (let’s face it the kid has been on one antibiotic or the other since she was a few months old almost every 8 weeks) that if she doesn’t take it we will be back in ths hospital for IV medication and fluids. I lay back down 4:45, I planned to get up at 5, when that plan was made everyone was coming with me, then medicine happened, and rain happened; I knew then the best I could hope for was to get there and not have forgotten anything. Fast forward 7:00, start time is 7:30 and I live 25 mins away, I am convincing her once again to take the next medicine…when Scott steps in and tells me to leave. 

Its raining, not just a mist, but rain, and so humid the air almost choked me. Friday morning I ran a 5K in roughly 35 mins, I was hoping for that (my best being 32-ish in 2014).  Quick call to mom that dad would have to drop her off, I park and walk briskly the .75 miles to the park when I hear the gun go off, I missed the National Anthem but I had to make a pitstop, no ands if’s or butt’s!  I handed my phone off to my mother just in time to cross the mat before they moved it, fumbling with my ipod and watch feeling incredibly clumsy and rushed my attitude definately matched the weather.

I know this course I have run it at least a dozen times in some way and walked it hundred’s of times a a young girl going to school, church, friend’s homes, or just to walk. I know there is a hill oit of the park, up from the firehouse, up from Pikar’s (I don’t know what its called now) and then the turn around. I was literally at the back. I thought a lot about my first year running this race, this event was what inspired me to want to push myself further and harder. While running I was pretty sure I saw the husband of my dear friend, and then saw her, I passed all the familiar places and then less than .75 miles to the finish I was at 33 mins, and had a huge pain inside my ankle, the one that I have been so lovingly taling care of. I wanted to puke it hurt so bad, and as fast as it hit, it also subsided; I walked another 60 steps and decided it would be a running finish. Sluggishly crossing thw finish, I forgot to stop my watch so the time on it reads 50:46 but that included chatting with a friend and half the walk back to the car, offical results aren’t available online yet. 

I know its not what I wanted, in fact its the slowest 5K timed event I have ever run, Im soaking right now because I am still cold hours later. 

I am also 20# heavier than I have been in 4 years, I am downright miserable. I know what to do,  without accountability I fail, this whole year has felt like a fail. I am really struggling with how to proceed, what to do next, where to go or what to try. I don’t believe in Weight Watchers anymore, I don’t do fad diets, I don’t know how to be happy and I have no place to go with all this sadness.  I wanted this year to be the best, I am dreading my birthday to the point of wanting to sleep that entire 24 hours and no one mention it.

40

Still fat

Still sad

Still searching

What a waste of a life….

So here’s my shitty picturess that I took and one my mom took showing how grossly fat I am. Happy fucking fat 4th of July, 


Doesn’t matter what I write here no one gives a shit anyhow. I may never run again. 

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