31/365: Not Quitting & Obstacles

I haven’t quit I have been refelctive. My body has been achy and my motivation wishy washy. The half is next weekend and I am sooooo phyiscally not ready but I am mentally I know what I expect.  I plan to run the first 10k and walk the remainer. I know my body can complete that even without much training.

This week was particurlarly difficut. Monday I challenged myself with water consumtpion and I did great both Monday and Tuesday. Then Wednesday came. At 8:30 that morning my husband text me to call him which is rare during the work day so I figured it must be important. So I called and what happened then I didn’t even have on the radar. He was fired. Fired for not doing something on a day he wasn’t even there, he was home with the stomach flu – puking his guts out. Immediatly I went into survival mode. I ALWAYS worry about money, its the thing that consumes most of my idle thought. How were we going ti live even if he gets approved for unemployment. How soon will he be able to find work, will it be enough….what if, what if. I screamed and cried and all I wanted was to go run. If I had my shoes with me I would have taken my lunch break right then and ran as far and as hard as I could have in an hour. I knelt on the sidewalk outside and was offered a hug by a kind woman I work with as I spewed all of my frustrations. I told my boss who was very empathetic and offered for me to go home but I needed to stay busy. Admittedly I don’t think I accomplished anything that day but pass iut paychecks. I cried so much my face literally ached, my throat raw, my head pounding.

I have battled depression for a couple years off and on, mostly after my first divorce and having the girls PPD; I medicated daily for that and anxiety as needed. Both had been very low on my list of concerns but the depression has come back full force. Today I woke up at 8:30 took a walk with #2 and went back to bed from 10:30-1:15, we went to a birthday party that I was really looking forward to and all I could to was stuff my face and try not to cry, we came home and I slept from 5:30-8:00. I havent eaten much all week except at the party, and I dont really have a hunger at all. I am hoping that I  can shake this off over the next couple weeks and get back on task but for now its just survive each day and not feel like a drained mess all the time.

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