My Struggle is Real and What To Do Next…

I’m fat. Im 230# again.

I love food – when I’m hungry,not hungry, bored, sad, happy, worried, anxious, and really anyother  freaking emotion. I love to cook – healthy foods and bake yummy things from scratch. I am soaking in a hot bath usually something I also love and turned the lights out because I don’t want to see myself. I can blame anything I want to but when it comes down to it my will power is crap. I had rejoined weight watchers realizing I needed that and had to stop a few weeks later because I realized without thu husband working it was selfish to spend the monthly fee when I have musts to pay. I had lost 8.8# was doing well and feeling super positive; I went out a few times on walk/runs but when I stopped the weigh ins that stopped as well. I blame the weather, being tired, work and fear of my ankle hurting and being forced to start all over (note: it still hurts and I have no idea why and no means to have anything else medically done). I caught myself looking up diet pills, diet plans, and more extreme methods of loss.

I’m fat and I’m miserable.

I had to give in and buy fat girl clothing again *sadface* granted the last time I did that (2003) plus size hadn’t made it to a common item and was really reserved for the older generations – floral, lace and polyester. So what I purchased is cute and does help me look better for work, it emotionally killed me. 14 years, 2 kids,among other  challenges and here I am again. 

I don’t want to feel this way.

I don’t want to look this way, I get it fat is acceptable now and kudos to those who love it and own it – but I HATE IT.

 I want my running body back. Ok wait…so you tell yourself you want the running body back then get out there and run. That’s one frustration because in my head I know a 5K a 10K and more is nothing but my body says “Whoa lard butt!!! You havent been running, you havent run more than a mile in almost 6 months.

How do I mentally get there? 

How do I set my frame of thought to start over again? 

Part of me knows its to sign up for my goal – The Air Force marathon in September. I had hoped to be down at least 30# and into my smaller wardrobe – nothing makes me feel cuter than jeans and a snug fit t-shirt during summer, tabk tops with lean arms and tan shoulders….so I guess I need to bite the bullet and sign up….

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