My Struggle is Real and What To Do Next…

I’m fat. Im 230# again.

I love food – when I’m hungry,not hungry, bored, sad, happy, worried, anxious, and really anyother  freaking emotion. I love to cook – healthy foods and bake yummy things from scratch. I am soaking in a hot bath usually something I also love and turned the lights out because I don’t want to see myself. I can blame anything I want to but when it comes down to it my will power is crap. I had rejoined weight watchers realizing I needed that and had to stop a few weeks later because I realized without thu husband working it was selfish to spend the monthly fee when I have musts to pay. I had lost 8.8# was doing well and feeling super positive; I went out a few times on walk/runs but when I stopped the weigh ins that stopped as well. I blame the weather, being tired, work and fear of my ankle hurting and being forced to start all over (note: it still hurts and I have no idea why and no means to have anything else medically done). I caught myself looking up diet pills, diet plans, and more extreme methods of loss.

I’m fat and I’m miserable.

I had to give in and buy fat girl clothing again *sadface* granted the last time I did that (2003) plus size hadn’t made it to a common item and was really reserved for the older generations – floral, lace and polyester. So what I purchased is cute and does help me look better for work, it emotionally killed me. 14 years, 2 kids,among other  challenges and here I am again. 

I don’t want to feel this way.

I don’t want to look this way, I get it fat is acceptable now and kudos to those who love it and own it – but I HATE IT.

 I want my running body back. Ok wait…so you tell yourself you want the running body back then get out there and run. That’s one frustration because in my head I know a 5K a 10K and more is nothing but my body says “Whoa lard butt!!! You havent been running, you havent run more than a mile in almost 6 months.

How do I mentally get there? 

How do I set my frame of thought to start over again? 

Part of me knows its to sign up for my goal – The Air Force marathon in September. I had hoped to be down at least 30# and into my smaller wardrobe – nothing makes me feel cuter than jeans and a snug fit t-shirt during summer, tabk tops with lean arms and tan shoulders….so I guess I need to bite the bullet and sign up….

3/30 & A habit calendar

I saw some article where a woman kept a habit calendar…I remeber telling parents when I taught that new habits took 21 days at minimum to establish, so the first 3 weeks of school would seem tough but set the tone for the year and then smooth sailing until graduation. For most students this was a very true statement; so why in all my infinite wisdom (insert sarcastic undertone) why haven’t I ever applied this same thought to myself?!?! #dumbsmartperson I have challeneged myself to a 5k a day for 30 days. Why not start a habit calendar of my own? Bonus I love things that are organized and let me see progress especially when we alllll know that weight loss and fitness are slowly visible changes. So today on my lunch hour I am going to create a 30 day habit calendar! I started  couple days early because February is a short month and I need to prove to myself I can achieve something I set out to do by my own accord. 

I will be tracking:

5k a day

Blue Dot challenge (WW makes your day a blue dot if you stay within your point allotment) 

Water consumption

Reading for 20 mins a day (to myself or the kids)

I think this is ambitious enough for the first attempt! I’m excited by little boxes filled with pretty colors and my own motivation for success. 
Yay me! 

January 2017: What if you simply devoted a year to loving yourself more?

I start things with great intention and life happens as it does to most; my personal testimonials and promises are quickly the thing I have to let go of. The end of 2016 was rough. From finding out I screwed up our taxes 3 years ago and now we are paying  back, Scott losing his job, among the other struggles we already felt (to each his own,its all relative to the life we live) we had a nice bag of shit to tote into the new year; a year so many hoped would be better than 2016.

Honestly  2016 isn’t  one I will look back with fondness but with the wide eyes of life education. 

I attended 14 funerals, 4 family and 10 from work. This alone was so mentally and emotionally painful it shut me down. 

I didn’t meet any goal I set for myself, in fact I shut that train of thought down in February after being told there wasn’t anything wrong with my ankle but there was also no hope of a marathon in my 2016. 

I witnessed families grieve, for a multitude of reasons and more than once I had an itty, bitty, pity party for poooorrrr me…oh and there ws me turning 40. 

Now one month into this new 2017 I look back and I feel the relief of 2016 being over. I have so many positives in front of me, maybe that struggle was for some greater purpose. I have a happiness in me I haven’t felt for a very long time; when hiccups arise I don’t feel like my world is at the brink of extinction. I wake up most mornings ready to kick some ass and live life to the fullest. I’m getting to experience my children daily, their laughter and tears (girls cry a lot who knew?!) their success and their struggles….

Caution Parental Honesty Ahead:

My Ailey whom gets the raves at school for straight A’s and exemplary behavior, my bookworm who reads like its going out of style, loves science, Star Wars, a good snuggle and oh my the creativity – she may look like her daddy but that child is me reborn…until faced with her sister and then watch out!

My Piper…oh that little girl. As hilarious as she is rotten, a very average student, a moderate behavior problem (honest parenting observation) spunky, independant and my word teenage years will be a challenge. At home she is loving, helpful, snuggly and everybit my baby. Her demeanor much like her daddy, “….don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright…” the victim of her sister’s agression, why we have no idea.  

I enjoy every moment, I felt like I had been missing that, I had really been feeling like being a parent wasn’t my calling. I make being mommy a priority now, as much as taking care of myself. We are all better for it.

Ready to run?!

 Heck yes I am. It is a slow, slow journey but I re-joined weight watchers at the end of December and gave myself one month to get practical eating under me, down 8.8#. Month two-  I am now adding in a running/walking/yoga plan. Excited that I have created a little yoga space at home with a heater (since I 💜 hot yoga) my mat and I will meet before work and prepare me from the inside out for my day ahead. A personal challenge of a 5k a day for the next 30 days and perhaps the Heart Mini 15K if I can score a free entry. Mentally I am in the best state I have been in longer than I can remember. I am on the lowest dose of antidepressants,every-other-day in fact than I have  been in 6 years, this goes to show when you free yourself of the things you really cannot control and the toxic people in your life, the change that can manifest is liberating. 

Life for now 1/12 of the way through 2017 is good. It feels full and right, for me. There are challenges that exist, but I feel confident that I am equipped to face them and endure.

Running plan for 2017:

March: Heart Mini 15k (9ish miles)

May: Flying Pig Half 

July: 4th of July 5k – goal of a 34 min finish

September: Air Force Marathon 

October: Queen Bee half (long shot to squeeze this one in)

November: Honorrun Half 

Weight loss goal for 2017: 60#

What if you simply devoted this year to loving yourself more?


31/365: Not Quitting & Obstacles

I haven’t quit I have been refelctive. My body has been achy and my motivation wishy washy. The half is next weekend and I am sooooo phyiscally not ready but I am mentally I know what I expect.  I plan to run the first 10k and walk the remainer. I know my body can complete that even without much training.

This week was particurlarly difficut. Monday I challenged myself with water consumtpion and I did great both Monday and Tuesday. Then Wednesday came. At 8:30 that morning my husband text me to call him which is rare during the work day so I figured it must be important. So I called and what happened then I didn’t even have on the radar. He was fired. Fired for not doing something on a day he wasn’t even there, he was home with the stomach flu – puking his guts out. Immediatly I went into survival mode. I ALWAYS worry about money, its the thing that consumes most of my idle thought. How were we going ti live even if he gets approved for unemployment. How soon will he be able to find work, will it be enough….what if, what if. I screamed and cried and all I wanted was to go run. If I had my shoes with me I would have taken my lunch break right then and ran as far and as hard as I could have in an hour. I knelt on the sidewalk outside and was offered a hug by a kind woman I work with as I spewed all of my frustrations. I told my boss who was very empathetic and offered for me to go home but I needed to stay busy. Admittedly I don’t think I accomplished anything that day but pass iut paychecks. I cried so much my face literally ached, my throat raw, my head pounding.

I have battled depression for a couple years off and on, mostly after my first divorce and having the girls PPD; I medicated daily for that and anxiety as needed. Both had been very low on my list of concerns but the depression has come back full force. Today I woke up at 8:30 took a walk with #2 and went back to bed from 10:30-1:15, we went to a birthday party that I was really looking forward to and all I could to was stuff my face and try not to cry, we came home and I slept from 5:30-8:00. I havent eaten much all week except at the party, and I dont really have a hunger at all. I am hoping that I  can shake this off over the next couple weeks and get back on task but for now its just survive each day and not feel like a drained mess all the time.

8/365

Well week one was a success for 2.5 days. Then not so much. I gained .8#. I am actually sitting in the tub crying. Why can’t I stick to a plan? I did great on Monday, and Tuesday then Wednesday hit…it rained and rained and rained and I felt my mood plummet. I didn’t sleep and that led to an awful Thursday and well by then the week was a waste. I got out for a 4 mile walk/run Sunday after sleeping 90% of Saturday away. I’m sitting in my tib, my sanctuary feeling like a fat sack, disgusted hy my own body. I have a meeting tomorrow and dreading getting dressed. I have almostnothing  that fits, its been years literally since I was this fucking fat.

Sorry no good news from me. Maybe some sleep will make a difference. 

Day 2/365

Somedays we can’t all be bubbles and sunshine. Today is one of those days. I could give two poops about anyone else. My everything aches and I know its the rain. I am 3 days into my personal challenge and my body is fighting it. I gave in and had a sandwich for lunch in lieu of my protein packed salad, my head screaming for caffeine (I have decreased my soft drink intake from roughly 36oz to 12oz and I sip that sucker) and substance, something crunchy. I love the meals I have been making the last few days, but they don’t have the bulk I am used to, and yes I am drinking water a minimum of 64oz a day.  

I did get out and lampost interval walk/run last night and it felt pretty good. The stone bruise on my right foot is easing up as I use the accupressure technique I found on youtube – though I was skeptical it has lessened since Monday. I am feeling a bit bloated and chalking that up to the soup I had for dinner last night. Under my calories, I just wasn’t hungry and that probably has added to my being starving today.  The scale moved a little to the left I said weigh in would be Mondays but for a while I may keep up with daily not sure. Here’s to a better attitude tomorrow.

Day 1/365 day challenge

I woke up this morning when my alarm went off at 5:00am and I snoozed it. I wanted to lay there another hour and rest. I didn’t want to Monday (and I dont drink coffee.)

Then I remembered the promise I made to myself, Monday – day 1 toward an inproved me. So I peeled myself out of bed and quietly pulled out running clothes kissed the hubs and walked out to the kitchen; where I was greeted by #1 who was wide awake. Determined I gave her clothes and turned on tv until I retruned. I knew from the get go today would be a walk. A massive calf cramp in the middle of the night that hadn’t worked itself out all the way made the decision. This week’s plan is simple – move for 45 minutes everyday, run or walk, a combination -> get my ass out of the house and move! And to my surprise I was able to keep an acceptable pace and walked back into the house a few minutes after six. I finished grooming #1 and struggling with #2 (nothing there is easy), made breakfast grilled cheeses for all except myself, they both assembeled thier lunches thanks to my prep work yesterday and exited at 7:03 am. 

Before I got dressed into work clothes, I put on my measurement outfit; I find this to be an important ritual for me. I chose this pair, the only pair of running shorts I own. They look terrible but (!) there in lies some motivation – they will look great! 

No frills or filters here I am:
Weigh in will be once a week on Mondays

Measurements will be every 4th Monday

Abdomen: 41 1/2″

Thigh: 27 1/4″

Calf: 20″

Bust: 45 1/2″

Arm: 16 1/2″

Hips: 44 1/2″

Weight: 228.8 and I am 5’6.75″ tall

Clothing: 

tops L or XL 

bottoms 14/16, L or XL 

I think its really important to take measurements and be aware of clothing sizes because weight loss isnt always evident on the scale sometimes there is a muscle build or shift that reflect in clothing and inches. FWIW taking pictures of yourself is not an easy thing to do but once seen side by side it really makes an impact.

So goodbye before me and hello version 2017!!

Meal prep: Total success for today! Dinner just needs to be reheat and veggies steamed. I have a pork loin I will prep tonight for the rest of the week.

Out Of Order

I have had a rough start to the day. Up at 6:30 with a bad cramp in my left calf it ran down into my foot and toes. A warm bath soothed it but its very tender to step on. It’s quarter after twelve and I have hardly been out of bed. Im a little down even though the sun is shining. I realize that when my house is not in order it makes me feel out of out of order. 

I have myself planning the beginning of my 365 challenge tomorrow. Weigh in on Monday motivates me to behave on the weekends. So Monday, proverbially it is. 

Week One: 10/17 – 10/23 initial weigh in, measurements and photos.

Meal prep: I am going to continue my goal of not being wasteful of the things I have in the house.

Breakfast: steel cut oatmeal and a 1/2 c cantaloupe. Water.

Snack: medium honeycrisp apple and 1T raw almond butter

Lunch: spinich salad with raw veggies 1/2c @4oz rotisserie chicken, and 2T dressing (using up what I have on hand) 

Snack: walnuts and baby carrots

Dinner: 4-6oz rotisserie chicken, 1c steamed broccoli, 1/2c brown rice

Water goal: min 64 oz – max 110 oz

Exercise: walk or run 30-45 mins depending on ankle strength plus Monday at home workout plan 

A One Year Challenge

This weekend last year I was marathon ready. I was a very tone 207#. This morning was a wake-up call. I am a depressed, sad, fat 228#. The trip to the Orthopedist that should have given me hope was the death sentance of my motivation “There is no marathon in your 2016.” That was my big goal, Columbus Redemption. In those few words he deflated all my hopes and dreams, much like Squidward. 

I literally gave up. After two trips to PT and a therapist who did ultrasound therapy on the wrong part of my foot I lost confidence in that.

Here I am today miserable and fat. I struggle with a 5k (and am signed up for a half on Nov 13). But everyone starts or restarts somewhere. Columbus is a year away. I have one year to improve myself, I dislike the word change here because I am ok as I am, but I know my potential.

Truths:

I am a mom of two.

I work full-time.

I carry many burdens on my shoulders.

Life this year has been one challenge after another.

I can’t afford a plan or program.

I know what to do -> it’s mindfuless in every decision I make.

There is no shame in making time to meal plan, exercise and sleep. 

I never quit. 

Soooo whats my grand plan this time; look back I say this over and over seemingly to say it again so this is the time to make a sincere LIFESTYLE COMMITMENT.

Life isnt easy in big sections. Life is much easier in small bites.

Week one toward Columbus Redemption:

Walk/run at least 60 minutes this week

Plan meals that fuel my body and mind, not my emotions.

Get 5-6 hours a sleep, 5 days this week. 

Start small. Weigh in next Saturday morning with pics and measurements. 

Setting Goals

2016 is more than half over. I haven’t achieved much in respect to physical improvements. I’ve run 58 miles this year and I’ve gained 20#. I have had little to no motivation. But that ends here today. Ok, I’ve made this claim repeatedly but I have set my sights on running Columbus again next fall, it will be our 10th anniversary weekend away, we are budgeting now so we don’t have to stress about it. 

The ultimate goal is to finish in 5:30 or less. I know if I put my mind to it, follow my plan, I know this is doable.

Nana also said, “Yard by yard life is hard, but inch by inch life is a sinch.”  So here goes:

Marathon planning Inch by Inch:

8/21/16: Today begings focus on water. I need to drink 110 oz of water a day. For the next seven days that is what I will concentrate on. Run 2 miles a day.

8/28/16: Menu planning and actually sticking to that menu planning. Clean healthy meals 6 days a week with one indulgence a week. Run 2 miles a day. Drink 110 oz water a day.  

September: running goal 50 miles for the month

9/4/16: Continue meal planning, 110 oz water daily, resume half training plan running a min of 2 miles a day 5-6 days a Eeek 

9/11/16: Meal planning, water consumption, running plan – reward self with a hot yoga class this week! 

I’m trying shorter goals. Saying I want to lose 50# is a great goal, but thats a huge goal, its an endurance goal and for now I need a sprint goal, something I can realistically do in a short amountn of time that is beneficial, can be added to, and isnt overwhelming. 

Weigh in days will be Mondays and I will try really hard to not be a daily scale fanatic. 

Previous Older Entries

Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com
Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com