My Struggle is Real and What To Do Next…

I’m fat. Im 230# again.

I love food – when I’m hungry,not hungry, bored, sad, happy, worried, anxious, and really anyother  freaking emotion. I love to cook – healthy foods and bake yummy things from scratch. I am soaking in a hot bath usually something I also love and turned the lights out because I don’t want to see myself. I can blame anything I want to but when it comes down to it my will power is crap. I had rejoined weight watchers realizing I needed that and had to stop a few weeks later because I realized without thu husband working it was selfish to spend the monthly fee when I have musts to pay. I had lost 8.8# was doing well and feeling super positive; I went out a few times on walk/runs but when I stopped the weigh ins that stopped as well. I blame the weather, being tired, work and fear of my ankle hurting and being forced to start all over (note: it still hurts and I have no idea why and no means to have anything else medically done). I caught myself looking up diet pills, diet plans, and more extreme methods of loss.

I’m fat and I’m miserable.

I had to give in and buy fat girl clothing again *sadface* granted the last time I did that (2003) plus size hadn’t made it to a common item and was really reserved for the older generations – floral, lace and polyester. So what I purchased is cute and does help me look better for work, it emotionally killed me. 14 years, 2 kids,among other  challenges and here I am again. 

I don’t want to feel this way.

I don’t want to look this way, I get it fat is acceptable now and kudos to those who love it and own it – but I HATE IT.

 I want my running body back. Ok wait…so you tell yourself you want the running body back then get out there and run. That’s one frustration because in my head I know a 5K a 10K and more is nothing but my body says “Whoa lard butt!!! You havent been running, you havent run more than a mile in almost 6 months.

How do I mentally get there? 

How do I set my frame of thought to start over again? 

Part of me knows its to sign up for my goal – The Air Force marathon in September. I had hoped to be down at least 30# and into my smaller wardrobe – nothing makes me feel cuter than jeans and a snug fit t-shirt during summer, tabk tops with lean arms and tan shoulders….so I guess I need to bite the bullet and sign up….

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3/30 & A habit calendar

I saw some article where a woman kept a habit calendar…I remeber telling parents when I taught that new habits took 21 days at minimum to establish, so the first 3 weeks of school would seem tough but set the tone for the year and then smooth sailing until graduation. For most students this was a very true statement; so why in all my infinite wisdom (insert sarcastic undertone) why haven’t I ever applied this same thought to myself?!?! #dumbsmartperson I have challeneged myself to a 5k a day for 30 days. Why not start a habit calendar of my own? Bonus I love things that are organized and let me see progress especially when we alllll know that weight loss and fitness are slowly visible changes. So today on my lunch hour I am going to create a 30 day habit calendar! I started  couple days early because February is a short month and I need to prove to myself I can achieve something I set out to do by my own accord. 

I will be tracking:

5k a day

Blue Dot challenge (WW makes your day a blue dot if you stay within your point allotment) 

Water consumption

Reading for 20 mins a day (to myself or the kids)

I think this is ambitious enough for the first attempt! I’m excited by little boxes filled with pretty colors and my own motivation for success. 
Yay me! 

2016: #personalevolution

So people get all new year motivated! Lists of all the things they plan to do – I am not planning anything I am DOING! 2015 sucked. A LOT! Mentally I struggled until October and then I was ok and oh dam came the holidays….but I survived them, I fed them and I am feeling thick and not where I like to be. I should have lost weight last year but I didn’t focus enough, really at all on nutrition. Exercise for me is not the problem. I am not into gimmick plans and programs, juicing (too expensive) or shakes or supplements. The best I feel is when I dedicate meals to the clean/paleo menu. I know if I set myself up to adhere to those guidelines and only indulge on rare occasions combining this with my personal workout plan I will lose weight.

I am dedicating myself to personal accountability, I have a calendar on the fridge – I will have to look at it many times a day. 

This year I start here: 

 
Measurements:

  • Hips: 44″
  • Thigh: 34.75″
  • Bust: 42.5″
  • Calf: 19.25″
  • Bicep: 15″
  • Waist: 38″
  • Weight: 212.8#
  • Pants: 12 or 14
  • Tops: L or X

JANUARY GOAL:

  • 30 day Betty Rocker challenge
  • Run at least 30 miles
  • Eat to live, prepare foods for success
  • Drop 5#
  • Quit soft drinks

Year long Personal Expectations: 

  • 175# by my birthday
  • pants a solid 12 (10)
  • Tops a large (some parts only get so small ☺️
  • Run 500 miles at least for the year
  • Run at least one half and one full
  • PR my 4th of July time
  • Yoga at least once a month
  • Get my family off prepared foods as much as possible

29 days later…

I ran my first “recovery” mile. The ankle injury the gp and podotrist say didn’t exist feeling significantly better, the faciatis is what it is, I can handle that. It was Sunday morning, 60 degrees in December and my head needed it far  more than my body; though 29 days without running my weight is no different but my body is, I feel thick and full, I hate it. I decided to try just one mile, not pushing too hard, being conscious to how I felt physically as opposed to how well I thought I was doing. I stayed on a very flat path and after a few minutes of brisk walking I upped the pace. Finishing my lone mile in 12:15. That for me, is decent. Returning home I stretched a littleand  washed up; as the day wore on my foot was tender but the ankle felt great. 

The plan is to easily put myself back into full on marathon training for the Flying Pig May 1st. Officially I won’t begin a regime until January 3rd but this prep work will hopefully make my transition an easy one. The lessons I learened from my Columbus experience:

1) pick a plan and stick to it

2) cross training is VERY important

3) a healthy eating plan is equally important

So as I engage in this I am reviewing countless free plans and desigining something I know will follow these lessons and fit in with my family; they have been extremely supportive of this and I could not do it without them. My New Year’s intentions begin a little before the new year sets in but 2015 has without a doubt been the most physically demanding, emotionally challenging and educational year of my life. There are things I am going to dedicate myself to, things I am in the process of letting go, goals I have in motion and I know the destination I must stay focused on that with these other objectives in mind. 

I wil not be flooding facebook with posts about every mile I run, every race I complete, every goal I meet. As I approach, 40 I am realizing that not everyone needs to know all my business and most people dont care about it anyhow. This 2016 that is just heartbeats away is my year of putting me back together, the physical and mental; its about personal growth and strength. 

Running and yoga are two things that make me feel really good. 

I long for a love I can believe in. 

I want my daughters to see me as stronger and confident. 

I want to feel good.

Pretty simple… 

 

2nd annual Honorrun Half Marathon 

So it was genius to run a half less than a month after a full – I am that kind of crazy. This run is for a cause I feel strongly about, veterans. Specifically for the Honorflights, making travel possible for veterans to make a trip to Washington DC. I wasnt sure I would even be able to participate my running budget exhausted, a request for coupons or a discount code on Facebook led to a sponsorship for this and the Thanksgiving Day 10K from my brother, Nick. I was shocked by the offer and excited that I would indeed be able to participate in these two final events of  my 2015 season. 

As race day dawned I remembered the inagural run, a miserable 16 degrees and telling my faithful few in person supporters to please stay home; not this year it was a beautiful 39 accompanied by a slight breeze; who in their right mind thinks 39 is beautiful?? Trust me it was like a heatwave by comparison. After my disappointing marathon finish I realigned my thoughts, this has always been about finishing for me, not the time, and with that as one of my forethoughts I placed myself at the back of the pack and crossed the mat at 7:05 am. I can’t lie, the thought of this distance so close to the marathon for me was slighlty intimidating. The sun rose at 7:20 exactly the same time as last year, just I encountered my first veteran. I had promised myswlf I would stop and thank each of these heros along the way, this wasnt about me, it was for them. He was an elderly gentleman on the corner of Hopeful Road, his hat clearly designated him as a Vietnam Veteran. He walked with a cane and a twinkle in his eye. My hand met his, my eyes met his and I simply said “Thank you, sir” he said “No, thnak you” why would he thank me?? I smiled at him and went along my way, thankfulmy face covered the tears streamed down my face and my heart swelled, that initial interaction was all the confirmation that I needed to know this was what I was supposed to be doing at this moment, for the remaining 11 miles I stopped for every man, woman and their families the ones I could identify as military, active or vet, and made that same connection. 

My time of 2:54 was not my best by a long shot,but my experience has by far been the most memorable and enjoyable. 

On November 15,2016 I ran with purpose of gratitude, respect and appreciation. I am a very patriotic person. I am pround to be an American, despite all the negative there is in the world I do feel incredibly blessed to live in a country where its citizens choose to be part of the military. They choose to put their life before ours. They are brave enough to do what I could not. I am the pround granddaughter of a WWII veteran, the niece of a veteran with too many deployments to identfy him with just one, the co-worker and friend of veterans. My run only helped partially with one trip to DC but this one run, this one stretch of 13.1 miles brought to my head the clarity that I have been searching for longer than I can recall.

Thank you.

   
   

How far is a marathon, really? 

On October 18,2015 it was 26.2 miles in reality that it the end of a journey that is a hell of a lot longer than 26.2 miles. Its more like 9+ months, three pairs of shoes, globs of vasoline, blisters, baths, sweat, miles driven dropping off water and hours planning training routes, its early mornings, running sore and tired, playlists and protein bars, not to mention  the drive to get to the race. It was almost a year of mental energy. It was more tears and soreness than I realized it would be. Thankful for the support I was blessed with: kids, husband, sisters, brother, friends, parents, in-laws, facebook family, co-workers and fellow race participants. 

On October 18 I completed the Columbus Marathon. I was so proud of myself…until I saw my time, until I saw the photos, until I saw official results; and then I was ashamed, depressed and deflated. I was the 56th last marathoner to finish with a time of 6:15. Third last in my age division. When I put all this together I pretty much decided to stop running, I cried for three days straight. This experience that should have been self affirming crushed me. (Add to that the hotel screwed up and overcharged me resulting in over $100 in overdraft charges, but thats another story.) 

The next Sunday as Asics so kindly told me it was time for recovery run one, 20 minute jog. I had ZERO desire to run, but I did. And I cried. My legs rejoiced in the burn and stretch, I really wanted more than 20 minutes but the program was laid out that way for a reason. Traveling last week I got in two 3 milers on the treadmill. I got over my sadness, I’m still not satisfied with my performance BUT the only redemption, is to train harder and do it again.

So 2016 here is the plan: 

March – Heart Mini  15K

May – Flying Pig full

June – Tough Mudder KY

July – Edgewood 5k

August* – Redlegs 10k date is tbd

October – Columbus full

November – Honor Half & Thanksgiving Day 10k

There is no honor in quitting, only on persevering. 
   
    
    
 

20 miles and Acceptance

Last Sunday morning before most people I know had even thought about getting out of bed, I was placing water stops, lacing up and heading out for my final long run before Columbus. It was around 6:30 am when I finally hit foot to pavement. The distance ahead daunting, this was the third attempt, my previous two foiled by a possible injury which I now believe to be the beginning stages of faciatis, the other by poor pre-run meal planning. This was it. No excuses I would finish 20 by any means physically possible. Miles 1-15 were really not too bad.  I had eaten well and decided this run to turn my phone off, anything could wait until I was done. Miles 16-18 I really struggled, 19-20 I was beat, soaked, sore but so close. 

I finished, 4:32:57 burning close to 6,000 calories, consuming 80+ oz of water, 12 gels (which I hate) a banana and 4 oranges. I stood on the corner of US42 and Hopeful Rd. and I cried. Then I walked to my car and savored orange juice. Heading home I smiled from ear to ear with tears streaming down my face. This one accomplishment meant more to me than most things I have done in life, outside of being a mother my relationship with running has taught me so much. Its so very simple and uncomplicated, its 90% mental, 5% physical and 5% crazy. I felt ready to tackle a marathon course…

Then Thursday happened. I love my car, its a total piece of crap, I am a magnet for weird vehicle happeneings, but the sunroof and radio make my day. Until it started making this noise, I am a woman who knows nothing about cars. Forced to put it in the shop, the news on the cost of the repair stole me dream. All my hard work lost in one phone call. There will not be a marathon run for me on the 18th in Columbus, if I can plot a course here I may still do it, but my vision of tapping a finishers mat, hanging the poster in my office, gone. Being an adult I accept that there isnt anything I can do to change this. Acceptance is a distasteful medication but for some reason this is the path I am supposed be on. Columbus will have to wait. 

My Why…30 Days 

  I joined this challenge group on facebook led by a friend I made while working at a previous job, oddly enough our first conversation was about Tough Mudder as I was days away from mine and he had done one recently. From then on we had a friendship. He is a Team Beachbody coach, a very successful one at that; it’s ironic because a Beachbody infomercial is the whole reason I started this blog. So fasrforward two years and he invites people monthly to take part in a challenge group, I have seen them monthly and wanted to join but hesitated, this month I am in! As part of this group we had a homework as to our Why? I havent thought about my why in a while. As much as I love to write it took me all morning and I still wasn’t happy with what I put down but it was a start.
Why am I on this journey?

Weight loss/healthy eating…that one is easy. I have my girls, I want to be a Nana one day. I want to live a long active life.  I have battled this since age 7 people 7! I have been fat for the better part of 32 years (geesh that’s a long time). I have been up and down more times than a yo-yo. I want that cycle to end. I want to have a relationship with food that is eating to live, not living to eat; to not look at food and crave it, to eat and not feel guilt or remorse.

Emotions: here’s my opinion on weight loss – it is FAR more emotional than physical. People say it all the time but its true. The mentaility is to see the fat, the flaws, an inability to accept compliments as valid, at times if the loss is that is significant. The change in shape and attention, our very place in space. The pressure of public eating ….its tough. I hope one day to not feel all of that.

Running: I started for a reason, and now I can’t imagine life without it. It is there I feel alive and myself. Its just me, my thoughts. Some runs I feel like I am untouchable and others a slug, but I own every step. I am pretty sure I look terrible doing it, and I have been ridiculed by passers by. I have a pretty thick skin and know that their comment is really a defense for some short coming they have in themselves. 

Why? My personal goal is to one day establish a program for young women to help them with lifestyle choices, nutrition and fitness. Its not only the overweight that need help. To reach out when they are young and creating habits. I try with my own kids. Our mantra of “Don’t put food in your mouth when you have food in your mouth.” Our lunch/snack boxes that I prep weekly, the push to get them outside as much as possible (ok sometimes I am beat and give in). Every choice I make now impacts them tomorrow; they need to know their choices do the same 

So why? Why not? Why not be part of something that gives me a chance to learn and grow? 

So challenge accepted! 

 

Close to Columbus….maybe

It’s been a short summer, I have enjoyed my kids, yoga and running of course. Back to school hit so quickly and we are well into our routein. I heavy heartedly continue to train for Columbus, but I don’t think I will actually get to go. Our dedication to our kids attening parochial schools has left our budget so tight that spending money on a hotel seems selfish and irresponsible, yet I train on. Even if I can’t make the event I will run the distance that morning. Today I headed out at 4:30 am to beat the heat and finished 18 miles in 3:43. I oddly am less sore than when I did 15 two weeks ago. My heel/ankle are killing me, I am very thankful that the x-rays were negative for a stress fracture.  


My new Tomtom, a birthday gift!

   
About halfway through my run! 

Far from Successful – Woe Is Me 

I survived one week, 7 days exactly on the Whole 30 plan I was sooooo dedicated and excited for – I felt better. Then life happened and I fed it, I don’t even remember why now but that’s how I coped. I ran really we that one Saturday, for some reason that wasn’t enough. I keep telling myself one day it’s all gonna click and I will stick with my intention and find the success I have been working on for decades. I went to yoga tonight, I usually love it, but tonight I cried because I felt like a failure – my 15 mile run yesterday has me so defeated crying is all I feel upto. Literally everything hurts – if that’s what 15 did to me what in the hell will I be like after 26.2??? 

I am prepared to try the Whole 30 again this week, and I will head out this weekend and run 17. I will do this because I said I would. I paid good money to run this event, its my only shot at a vacation this year, I will feel something after, right?! 

This is a pretty miserable post but its where I am tonight…the only one awake, tear stained cheeks, next to a smelly but sweet dog, a snoring man, my lovlies in bed dreaming wonderful dreams and nothing but the billion thoughts running through my head. Until next time…  

  

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