March 11: Physical and Mental Health

PHYSCAL HEALTHlarge

Today is the first run in, dam I had to look since January 25. No wonder I have been so cranky! I have been getting my yoga in and my failed attempt at Body Beast (still hate it). I could list a bunch of excuses, and while we did have two snow falls of more than 5″ in those weeks the other weeks I was just flat-out lazy. My personal life has been full of turmoil and I am a this or that, meaning balls to the wall binge run or sloth. This time I opted for sloth.

This morning when I got up I packed my bag, be it all inspired for the 15K Heart-Mini I am participating in on Saturday, I packed it and at 11:30 I changed and out the door I went. It was a rather refreshing two miles (yeah only two, so how on Earth will I do 9+ in just 3 days?!), 45 degrees, sun shining, short sleeves, IT FELT LIKE HOME. I was reminded why I love it, because my body says no and stop but my head tells it to shut up and I go. Everything ached, my knees, hips, ankle, my chest burned and my head throbbed, but I did it. No less rewarding than 13 miles its all about accomplishment. It’s about putting one more foot forward and knowing I can do it, it’s knowing that in a few weeks 6 miles will feel good and then another week or two later 10 will be tolerable and by May I will take 13 in stride as I inch closer to the goal of the year – completing the Columbus Marathon.

My weight which is usually my focus, the number, I have been a lot better at looking at from a “How does it fit?” stance. I was able to buy pants for work a size smaller than I thought I was, and even they were wee bit big but I didn’t want to push it, next fall they will be too big. I was able to buy jeans a size smaller as well and if not for my damn calves (which I will openly admit here don’t look as bad as they used to) were also smaller, the waist is too big but they have to fit the whole leg. I have hope that I will be able to wear shorts this summer, something I have not done since 2008.

MENTAL HEALTHimages

I have spent most of 2015 so far in reflection.

How lucky I am to have a body that cooperates, to have a support system to back me when times are tough, to realize that counseling has led me to know what I need from life and which things I can release from. How blessed I am to have reunited a friendship that means the world to me, and though it is not the same, as things rarely stay the same, it is just as good and just as valued as it was before. I am thankful to have a job that I enjoy 99% of the time, children who are learning what a happy mother looks like and a spirit that is unstoppable.

I can’t say there haven’t been downer days, that I haven’t hurt, cried and been downright miserable but the silver lining is that all things are pointing in a positive direction. (I consulted a Magic 8 ball and it concurred). I have love and richness in my life that is only measured by the scale in my head, an outlook on myself that is renewed and positive, and lastly the knowledge that my future is really up to me.

“Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not – won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.”

Mental Health – It’s a trap!

I was given some homework – to review a series of Mind Traps …”Many feelings such as sadness, anxiety and anger are caused and kept alive by the conclusion that we make. Sometimes we make wrong conclusions over and over because we are stuck in mind traps that rob us of our ability to be logical.”

All-or-Nothing Thinking, filtering and Selective Abstraction, Catastrophizing, Self-References, Arbitrary Inference & Temporal Causality, Emotional Reasoning, Overgeneralization, Mind Reading, Excessive Responsibility, Labeling, I Should, Poisoning the Positive, They Should, Magnification or Minimization, Unfair Comparisons, Fortune Telling, and Thought as Things.

Over the next two weeks I have to think about the documentation for each and choose the ones I am most guilty of.

We discussed my opinion of myself the last session and he asked what I liked about myself, who ever thinks about that? I came up with my tattoos and my interaction with my children. This time we talked more about my sabotaging my own happiness, and why I do it, my struggle with failure and acceptance. Somewhere along the line I have taught myself to worry so much that it has become counter productive and not the normal worry, not the worry most people have.

I talked myself out of worrying this past weekend, I kept the promises I made myself, I didn’t cry and I didn’t worry. My patience is still incredibly thin, I get frustrated and can’t think straight, but I am controlling my anger, I am keeping quiet until it subsides and then calmly react to the situation.

I am gonna call this mild progress.

 

 

 

 

 

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