January 2017: What if you simply devoted a year to loving yourself more?

I start things with great intention and life happens as it does to most; my personal testimonials and promises are quickly the thing I have to let go of. The end of 2016 was rough. From finding out I screwed up our taxes 3 years ago and now we are paying  back, Scott losing his job, among the other struggles we already felt (to each his own,its all relative to the life we live) we had a nice bag of shit to tote into the new year; a year so many hoped would be better than 2016.

Honestly  2016 isn’t  one I will look back with fondness but with the wide eyes of life education. 

I attended 14 funerals, 4 family and 10 from work. This alone was so mentally and emotionally painful it shut me down. 

I didn’t meet any goal I set for myself, in fact I shut that train of thought down in February after being told there wasn’t anything wrong with my ankle but there was also no hope of a marathon in my 2016. 

I witnessed families grieve, for a multitude of reasons and more than once I had an itty, bitty, pity party for poooorrrr me…oh and there ws me turning 40. 

Now one month into this new 2017 I look back and I feel the relief of 2016 being over. I have so many positives in front of me, maybe that struggle was for some greater purpose. I have a happiness in me I haven’t felt for a very long time; when hiccups arise I don’t feel like my world is at the brink of extinction. I wake up most mornings ready to kick some ass and live life to the fullest. I’m getting to experience my children daily, their laughter and tears (girls cry a lot who knew?!) their success and their struggles….

Caution Parental Honesty Ahead:

My Ailey whom gets the raves at school for straight A’s and exemplary behavior, my bookworm who reads like its going out of style, loves science, Star Wars, a good snuggle and oh my the creativity – she may look like her daddy but that child is me reborn…until faced with her sister and then watch out!

My Piper…oh that little girl. As hilarious as she is rotten, a very average student, a moderate behavior problem (honest parenting observation) spunky, independant and my word teenage years will be a challenge. At home she is loving, helpful, snuggly and everybit my baby. Her demeanor much like her daddy, “….don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright…” the victim of her sister’s agression, why we have no idea.  

I enjoy every moment, I felt like I had been missing that, I had really been feeling like being a parent wasn’t my calling. I make being mommy a priority now, as much as taking care of myself. We are all better for it.

Ready to run?!

 Heck yes I am. It is a slow, slow journey but I re-joined weight watchers at the end of December and gave myself one month to get practical eating under me, down 8.8#. Month two-  I am now adding in a running/walking/yoga plan. Excited that I have created a little yoga space at home with a heater (since I ūüíú hot yoga) my mat and I will meet before work and prepare me from the inside out for my day ahead. A personal challenge of a 5k a day for the next 30 days and perhaps the Heart Mini 15K if I can score a free entry. Mentally I am in the best state I have been in longer than I can remember. I am on the lowest dose of antidepressants,every-other-day in fact than I have  been in 6 years, this goes to show when you free yourself of the things you really cannot control and the toxic people in your life, the change that can manifest is liberating. 

Life for now 1/12 of the way through 2017 is good. It feels full and right, for me. There are challenges that exist, but I feel confident that I am equipped to face them and endure.

Running plan for 2017:

March: Heart Mini 15k (9ish miles)

May: Flying Pig Half 

July: 4th of July 5k – goal of a 34 min finish

September: Air Force Marathon 

October: Queen Bee half (long shot to squeeze this one in)

November: Honorrun Half 

Weight loss goal for 2017: 60#

What if you simply devoted this year to loving yourself more?


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Setting Goals

2016 is more than half over. I haven’t achieved much in respect to physical improvements. I’ve run 58 miles this year and I’ve gained 20#. I have had little to no motivation. But that ends here today. Ok, I’ve made this claim repeatedly but I have set my sights on running Columbus again next fall, it will be our 10th anniversary weekend away, we are budgeting now so we don’t have to stress about it. 

The ultimate goal is to finish in 5:30 or less. I know if I put my mind to it, follow my plan, I know this is doable.

Nana also said, “Yard by yard life is hard, but inch by inch life is a sinch.”  So here goes:

Marathon planning Inch by Inch:

8/21/16: Today begings focus on water. I need to drink 110 oz of water a day. For the next seven days that is what I will concentrate on. Run 2 miles a day.

8/28/16: Menu planning and actually sticking to that menu planning. Clean healthy meals 6 days a week with one indulgence a week. Run 2 miles a day. Drink 110 oz water a day.  

September: running goal 50 miles for the month

9/4/16: Continue meal planning, 110 oz water daily, resume half training plan running a min of 2 miles a day 5-6 days a Eeek 

9/11/16: Meal planning, water consumption, running plan – reward self with a hot yoga class this week! 

I’m trying shorter goals. Saying I want to lose 50# is a great goal, but thats a huge goal, its an endurance goal and for now I need a sprint goal, something I can realistically do in a short amountn of time that is beneficial, can be added to, and isnt overwhelming. 

Weigh in days will be Mondays and I will try really hard to not be a daily scale fanatic. 

Just keep Running

I’ve managed to run every other day for the last week and a half; some days are much better than others. As I am exploring this thing called recovery I am also learning about proper stretching, tape, and patience, LOTS of patience. Everytime I lace up husband asks me, “How far ya gonna go?” Confidently I tell him, “2-4″ and some runs I do just that, and feel accomplished. Tonight was not one of those runs, my planned 2-3 ended up bein 1.14. I cut back on the tape and realize I cannot wear heels to work anymore if I am going to run like I expect myself to; practical flats it is wah, wah, wahhhhhh but it is the right thing to do for my feets health. 

It wasnt until I rounded the corner of the street that housed my very first apartment, which happens to be the street next to my second apartment and around the circle from my little house (I one day will not live in this neighborhood) I had a remembery (this is what Piper calls a memory). Its been 4 years since I started running. FOUR?!?! I recall the time when I walked out the door of my apartment and wanted to be able to walk to the mailbox and back, a little less than a mile, and then to be able to walk to the top of the hill and back about a mile and a quarter, then I was doing the entire neighborhood, to the gas station to buy a newspaper, to the water district to pay my bill and then I recalled the day I ran my first mile, then three, five and ten. I thought about how I have said countless times when asked how far I ran on a given day replying, ” Only six miles.” And getting a weird look. Ok I realize I’m never gonna this olympic athlete, or finish anything first, but I also know what its like to think, to the mailbox and back. 

Recovery is a lot like that first walk, taking it little by little, learning what I want to do and what I should do, yes there is a difference. I believe I will get back to running longer distances; I will get closer to my goal each day as long as I remembery why I started, why I continue and why I never give up.

“A quitter never wins, a winner never quits.” My dad has this under the glass of his desk, I’ve read it and touched it hundreds of times….because I never quit.

I raged, I cried, I ate…

When I started this blog I promised myself it would be an honest account of my battle with food,  so here is my latest trial.

The last two weeks have been emotionally hard.

My husband and I have had a “stressor” introduced into our lives, something from the past that he had gotten advice on and are now realizing that it was bad advice. The day I learned about this I was really having a great day¬†I had been up early to run,¬†I had gotten a review unexpectedly and a small raise, I was so excited to tell the hubs all about it and then he hit me with the news…our whole world went upside down.

I raged, I cried, I ate….

That has pretty much been the cycle for the better part of two weeks; I have been so up and down over this that I actually became sick and have not been able to eat for the last two days, everything makes me feel ill. That being said, I stand in the kitchen and look at food, I think about how delicious some chocolate covered almonds would be, how a burrito bowl from Chipolte would be amazing, ¬†and then I feel guilty, without having eaten any of it! I lay there in bed sick to my stomach and lusted after food, I was seeking comfort. I gave in last night and had a bowl of soup. The first bite my stomach soured at the contents I introduced to it, the second bite wasn’t much better, I finished the whole bowl – my body was telling me “no” my head told me “go ahead”.

AMDDSC01lg

I felt just like this!

 

I can’t eliminate stress from my life, it’s just not possible, but I believe that I can teach myself to manage it appropriately. ¬†Over the next few weeks I am going to keep in mind that when a moment arises and I am tempted how my stomach felt when I ate that soup.

On the running front I have a week until my first 10K of the season, I have been out a few days each week, slowly getting back up to a more regular schedule as to not push my foot too hard. I had one run this week un-taped and I am eagerly awaiting a new pair of shoes, mine have well exceeded their 300 mile limit.

Weight progress…I am sitting right at 210. I suppose that’s not terrible all things considered. I haven’t gained anything this last two weeks, haven’t lost either.

lifes-not-always-going-to-be-easy-an-there-will-be-days-when-you-feel-like-giving-up

 

 

 

 

 

No Carb! #oscarthegrouch

All my life I’ve battled the bulge, being fluffy, curvy, thick, and oh let’s not forget my favorites of big boned and athletic. The past 15 months is the longest that I have had a decent loss and not regained it all, I must have finally made it to a stage in my life where I can control it somehow, I also realized that sometimes the addition of something new provides a kick start to wave of progress. Last year it was running, which I depend on for my exercise. I’ve looked into several new things, this time it had to be a new food adventure. I decided this weekend to try an Adkins-ish type of induction. The next two weeks I have planned out a virtually no carb menu.

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Tonight I made several dozen of these amazing mini egg muffins. Inside these are a smorgasbord of veggies: peppers, squash, spinach, chives, mushrooms, asparagus, cheese and bacon. My oldest and husband taste tested and I got two thumbs up! As I venture ahead into this new world of no carbs, once again allowed a little mayo, more than a tablespoon of cheese, proteins, and veggies I am excited to cook new dinners and hopefully boost myself closer to my goal!!

Renewed Dedication

I stepped on my scale today.   210.4 again

I slipped into running shoes today. 1.53 miles

My goal is attainable.

 

I have been nothing but excuses since October came to a close.

I have let one moment dominate my pursuance of my goal …and that I have to let go of, not everything is¬†made to last.

It’s time to let that all go.

No more excuses, no more wasted time, no more setbacks blamed on outside forces.

I have to be responsible for my progress.

I want this.

I want to be below 200.

I want to reach my goal of 170-175.

I want to look at my reflection and see the woman, that I feel I am inside.

I sound like a child, want, want, want.

But it’s for my children I want this, to live a long healthy life to be with them.

To teach them to have a healthy relationship with food.

To spare them the ridicule of being called “fat” or told they have pretty faces, they do but they are mine, I am biased.

To help them achieve all that they can, on all fronts.

So today on still injured feet, I took that step toward goal recommital (yeah that’s a made up me word).

I have made good progress, I won’t deny myself the pride in the success that I have had; and the knowledge that I can do it is fuel to push me to meet my goal.

So next Sunday morning, weigh in again, take pictures and measurements, workout as much as I can this week, eat smart…measure success!!!

Easily Defeated

Just when I start to feel really good about the progress that I have made, seeing that I am half way in fact to my personal goal, I am reminded that people still view me as the “fat kid”. ¬†When I was out running today, a run that ended up being one cut short due to circumstances beyond my control, some man driving past me had to yell out the window of his jalopy “Look at you fat ass!” ¬†I normally can’t hear much of what is going on around me because of the music, but I was running on a busier street not near my house, a lot more traffic I felt it was smart to turn it down a little, at home I wouldn’t have heard him. But those 5 words cut me. I have spent the rest of today battling the emotions that it stirred up.

I know what I am. I know what I’m not, I know what I never will be and what I don’t want to be. I like my curves, it’s womanly, motherly…what that man stole from me today will take months to rebuild. For he crept in with 5 words and stole the confidence that progress had built up over the past 7 months.

This journey has been so much harder, personally I have had to face more set backs due to life events than I ever have before, I have had to adopt and learn, teach and teach myself again how to eat, what to eat, how to exercise, to not feel guilty when I take time for me to do these things. It’s taken me 7 months to drop 30#, in my head I would have been within pounds of my goal by now based on my past successes. But, I’m not 27 this time, I have children and I have accepted that losing this weight slowly, in the long run will lead to loss that is more permanent. The mindset is so much harder to reshape than the body.

In my head I am always going to be the “fatkid” I am always going to think about what I looked like before, what I want to look like, what I look like in comparison to other women around me. I am always going to think about every bite I take, and what people think about what I am eating. I am not certain that I will ever overcome completely the emotional aspects of food, it’s who I am.

In 5 words that man, who I will never see again, ¬†will never know how his few words brought me down so much. I am disappointed in the fact that I let it bother me that much, but it did. I know what I am, I didn’t need a reminder, and he doesn’t know that 7 months ago I was bigger, softer, weaker; he doesn’t know what I have accomplished, it doesn’t matter to him, for 15 seconds he got to be cruel to a total stranger (and let that be a lesson when I have negative thoughts about anyone else because certainly I don’t know their journey and have no right to think anything about them over me).

So, tomorrow I will approach the day with a better attitude. Start my climb back up, reach for that goal that isn’t so far away, and tonight hope that the man who brought me down, thinks twice before he does it again.

Confidence is so fragile.

One Weekend, Two Events

This weekend was a busy one….

 

Saturday: I did the Color Run in Cincinnati. I highly recommend this as a good first event, family event, or gathering of friends who want to get a little exercise and have some fun. Standing in the chute waiting for the wave to begin the DJ humored the group and color was flying. Pink, blue, yellow, purple the pavement stained with it, the air thick with residue. The weather was optimal, cool and sunny; the course was laid out in a zig-zag pattern near Paul Brown Staduim and the first dose of color came within a half mile. In less than thirty minutes I toed the finish line, this was not a officially timed event but runkeeper says I completed the 2.76 miles (it was advertised as a 5K which is 3.14) in 29:06 my personal goal was the 3.14 in less than 36 minutes, I most certainly would have met that goal with ease.

Sunday: I joined this event due to the large participation of the Sunday Fundayers at WW in Erlanger. It’s modest $10 entry fee made it difficult to say no. This 5K course took me through old parts of Erlanger beginning and ending at the Kenton County Library. My mother, Uncle Ken, and littles were also present to push and encourage me. Crossing the finish line in 35:44 – next year I will win my division, I was only 2 minutes behind the second place finisher and 3 behind the winner – I know I can accomplish this. The girls were able to participate in the kids fun run around the parking lot and they had fun being chased by mommy and their Ms. Kris; both are quite proud of their participation medals.

 

How these events measure my progress: In seven weeks I have cut a little more than three minutes off my 5K pace. When I finished the event on July 4th I knew then that I could do anything I set my mind to. My bib and timer for the Komen 10K showed up today and I am revising my personal goal from 1:45 to 1:15. In this last month I have also decided to set a long term goal – I am going to run a full marathon by the time I am 40, I have 3 years to meet this goal.

 

Katy Perry: ROAR   http://youtu.be/e9SeJIgWRPk

 

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Now I’m floating like a butterfly¬†

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero to my own hero

24 Trips to the Scale

MEASUREMENTS:

Bust¬†¬† 44″ now 42.75″

Rear¬†47″ now 42″

Waist¬† 42″ now 36″

Arms¬† 17″ now 14.25″

Thigh¬†¬† 29.5″ now 24″

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Calves¬† 20″ now19.50″

BMI  37   now 32.8

Pants  14/16 now 12/14

Shirt  XL now L

Total measurable loss

¬†21″ and 30#

Miles ran: 79.44

Another four trips to the scale, another month where the loss was more in inches than pounds. I have finally broken through into the 200’s and¬†, my goal is to make it below 200 before the month is out.

¬†RUNNING…has become quite the obsession for me. I lace up 6 days a week and rarely run less than 3 miles. I have created several routes at home that I enjoy and am slowly increasing my distances in preparation for the 10K in September – this past Saturday I did my first 6 miler in 1:15 I was pretty pleased with that time, and last night I had my best 3 to date with a pace of 11:57/mile.

 The best moment had to be last week when the girls asked to run with me. When I got back from my 4 miles, they both put their shoes on and we ran to the stop sign, its a good little distance for a 3 and 4 year old and they were amazing Рthey ran the whole thing. They and Scott are so supportive, without them my progress would not be possible.

¬†The Battle with Food…I tried this past month to be a more faithful tracker.

 I have found that I eat well during the day Рclean, fruits, veggies, bread, lean protein and nuts, when I get home and run my appetite is for protein, I am no longer living to eat, I am eating to live. This is a monumental task.  For when I eat to nourish my body and choose the right things, I am satisfied longer.

I can’t say we haven’t splurged, but I have kept it smart, allowed myself to enjoy pizza at a party, ice cream with my kids, a few chips now and then but I have come a long way.

¬†This membership to Weight Watchers has come at a point in my life where I really feel like I can live it, it’s not a weekly struggle to lose, it’s about accepting my reality. Knowing that loss every week isn’t realistic, and when I have a gain, I am not crushed¬† because I know it means I have to think more the next week.

 

 

 

 

 

Pantyhose

This week I had a moment where my loss in inches and body re-shape was confirmed when I had to put on pantyhose. Now you’re reading this thinking, “What in the hell do pantyhose have to do with anything?” Any person who has ever taken on the task of putting on a pair of them knows the thought process behind it.

  • first how uncomfortable they can be, especially if you purchased the wrong ones or you selected based on the package recommendation to know that their suggestion is rarely correct; then you put the first pair on and run them, I always buy at least 2 pair because I know this is what will happen to me.
  • ¬†Once said pantyhose are up there is the “Maybe I should skip the panties…” thought, because who needs an extra line.
  • repeat process
  • Admire shape in mirror and instantly feel the top roll down – immediately self-criticize ¬†“geesh I’m a fat ass” while inspecting package suggestion ¬†– my clothes are a 14 but my hose are a Q2 – that makes me feel awesome
  • decide maybe hose aren’t needed and take them off, put on pants and be done with it

My mother raised me with the notion of a skirt or dress shorter than ankle length should have hose under it, it’s professional and appropriate for many situations. I had such an event this week and I went through this process, at work none the less so the option to change into pants was not available.

However, I had a most unusual and unexpected experience. I slid the hose up and into place and when I pulled my dress down, there wasn’t a line, they didn’t roll down. I finally fit into them, they way I think they are supposed to be worn. My dress slid right over them and I couldn’t “see” where they were.

No self criticism for me today, a little pat on the back and off to my event I went…where did I go keep reading and I will post it soon.

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