31/365: Not Quitting & Obstacles

I haven’t quit I have been refelctive. My body has been achy and my motivation wishy washy. The half is next weekend and I am sooooo phyiscally not ready but I am mentally I know what I expect.  I plan to run the first 10k and walk the remainer. I know my body can complete that even without much training.

This week was particurlarly difficut. Monday I challenged myself with water consumtpion and I did great both Monday and Tuesday. Then Wednesday came. At 8:30 that morning my husband text me to call him which is rare during the work day so I figured it must be important. So I called and what happened then I didn’t even have on the radar. He was fired. Fired for not doing something on a day he wasn’t even there, he was home with the stomach flu – puking his guts out. Immediatly I went into survival mode. I ALWAYS worry about money, its the thing that consumes most of my idle thought. How were we going ti live even if he gets approved for unemployment. How soon will he be able to find work, will it be enough….what if, what if. I screamed and cried and all I wanted was to go run. If I had my shoes with me I would have taken my lunch break right then and ran as far and as hard as I could have in an hour. I knelt on the sidewalk outside and was offered a hug by a kind woman I work with as I spewed all of my frustrations. I told my boss who was very empathetic and offered for me to go home but I needed to stay busy. Admittedly I don’t think I accomplished anything that day but pass iut paychecks. I cried so much my face literally ached, my throat raw, my head pounding.

I have battled depression for a couple years off and on, mostly after my first divorce and having the girls PPD; I medicated daily for that and anxiety as needed. Both had been very low on my list of concerns but the depression has come back full force. Today I woke up at 8:30 took a walk with #2 and went back to bed from 10:30-1:15, we went to a birthday party that I was really looking forward to and all I could to was stuff my face and try not to cry, we came home and I slept from 5:30-8:00. I havent eaten much all week except at the party, and I dont really have a hunger at all. I am hoping that I  can shake this off over the next couple weeks and get back on task but for now its just survive each day and not feel like a drained mess all the time.

8/365

Well week one was a success for 2.5 days. Then not so much. I gained .8#. I am actually sitting in the tub crying. Why can’t I stick to a plan? I did great on Monday, and Tuesday then Wednesday hit…it rained and rained and rained and I felt my mood plummet. I didn’t sleep and that led to an awful Thursday and well by then the week was a waste. I got out for a 4 mile walk/run Sunday after sleeping 90% of Saturday away. I’m sitting in my tib, my sanctuary feeling like a fat sack, disgusted hy my own body. I have a meeting tomorrow and dreading getting dressed. I have almostnothing  that fits, its been years literally since I was this fucking fat.

Sorry no good news from me. Maybe some sleep will make a difference. 

Day 2/365

Somedays we can’t all be bubbles and sunshine. Today is one of those days. I could give two poops about anyone else. My everything aches and I know its the rain. I am 3 days into my personal challenge and my body is fighting it. I gave in and had a sandwich for lunch in lieu of my protein packed salad, my head screaming for caffeine (I have decreased my soft drink intake from roughly 36oz to 12oz and I sip that sucker) and substance, something crunchy. I love the meals I have been making the last few days, but they don’t have the bulk I am used to, and yes I am drinking water a minimum of 64oz a day.  

I did get out and lampost interval walk/run last night and it felt pretty good. The stone bruise on my right foot is easing up as I use the accupressure technique I found on youtube – though I was skeptical it has lessened since Monday. I am feeling a bit bloated and chalking that up to the soup I had for dinner last night. Under my calories, I just wasn’t hungry and that probably has added to my being starving today.  The scale moved a little to the left I said weigh in would be Mondays but for a while I may keep up with daily not sure. Here’s to a better attitude tomorrow.

Day 1/365 day challenge

I woke up this morning when my alarm went off at 5:00am and I snoozed it. I wanted to lay there another hour and rest. I didn’t want to Monday (and I dont drink coffee.)

Then I remembered the promise I made to myself, Monday – day 1 toward an inproved me. So I peeled myself out of bed and quietly pulled out running clothes kissed the hubs and walked out to the kitchen; where I was greeted by #1 who was wide awake. Determined I gave her clothes and turned on tv until I retruned. I knew from the get go today would be a walk. A massive calf cramp in the middle of the night that hadn’t worked itself out all the way made the decision. This week’s plan is simple – move for 45 minutes everyday, run or walk, a combination -> get my ass out of the house and move! And to my surprise I was able to keep an acceptable pace and walked back into the house a few minutes after six. I finished grooming #1 and struggling with #2 (nothing there is easy), made breakfast grilled cheeses for all except myself, they both assembeled thier lunches thanks to my prep work yesterday and exited at 7:03 am. 

Before I got dressed into work clothes, I put on my measurement outfit; I find this to be an important ritual for me. I chose this pair, the only pair of running shorts I own. They look terrible but (!) there in lies some motivation – they will look great! 

No frills or filters here I am:
Weigh in will be once a week on Mondays

Measurements will be every 4th Monday

Abdomen: 41 1/2″

Thigh: 27 1/4″

Calf: 20″

Bust: 45 1/2″

Arm: 16 1/2″

Hips: 44 1/2″

Weight: 228.8 and I am 5’6.75″ tall

Clothing: 

tops L or XL 

bottoms 14/16, L or XL 

I think its really important to take measurements and be aware of clothing sizes because weight loss isnt always evident on the scale sometimes there is a muscle build or shift that reflect in clothing and inches. FWIW taking pictures of yourself is not an easy thing to do but once seen side by side it really makes an impact.

So goodbye before me and hello version 2017!!

Meal prep: Total success for today! Dinner just needs to be reheat and veggies steamed. I have a pork loin I will prep tonight for the rest of the week.

Out Of Order

I have had a rough start to the day. Up at 6:30 with a bad cramp in my left calf it ran down into my foot and toes. A warm bath soothed it but its very tender to step on. It’s quarter after twelve and I have hardly been out of bed. Im a little down even though the sun is shining. I realize that when my house is not in order it makes me feel out of out of order. 

I have myself planning the beginning of my 365 challenge tomorrow. Weigh in on Monday motivates me to behave on the weekends. So Monday, proverbially it is. 

Week One: 10/17 – 10/23 initial weigh in, measurements and photos.

Meal prep: I am going to continue my goal of not being wasteful of the things I have in the house.

Breakfast: steel cut oatmeal and a 1/2 c cantaloupe. Water.

Snack: medium honeycrisp apple and 1T raw almond butter

Lunch: spinich salad with raw veggies 1/2c @4oz rotisserie chicken, and 2T dressing (using up what I have on hand) 

Snack: walnuts and baby carrots

Dinner: 4-6oz rotisserie chicken, 1c steamed broccoli, 1/2c brown rice

Water goal: min 64 oz – max 110 oz

Exercise: walk or run 30-45 mins depending on ankle strength plus Monday at home workout plan 

A One Year Challenge

This weekend last year I was marathon ready. I was a very tone 207#. This morning was a wake-up call. I am a depressed, sad, fat 228#. The trip to the Orthopedist that should have given me hope was the death sentance of my motivation “There is no marathon in your 2016.” That was my big goal, Columbus Redemption. In those few words he deflated all my hopes and dreams, much like Squidward. 

I literally gave up. After two trips to PT and a therapist who did ultrasound therapy on the wrong part of my foot I lost confidence in that.

Here I am today miserable and fat. I struggle with a 5k (and am signed up for a half on Nov 13). But everyone starts or restarts somewhere. Columbus is a year away. I have one year to improve myself, I dislike the word change here because I am ok as I am, but I know my potential.

Truths:

I am a mom of two.

I work full-time.

I carry many burdens on my shoulders.

Life this year has been one challenge after another.

I can’t afford a plan or program.

I know what to do -> it’s mindfuless in every decision I make.

There is no shame in making time to meal plan, exercise and sleep. 

I never quit. 

Soooo whats my grand plan this time; look back I say this over and over seemingly to say it again so this is the time to make a sincere LIFESTYLE COMMITMENT.

Life isnt easy in big sections. Life is much easier in small bites.

Week one toward Columbus Redemption:

Walk/run at least 60 minutes this week

Plan meals that fuel my body and mind, not my emotions.

Get 5-6 hours a sleep, 5 days this week. 

Start small. Weigh in next Saturday morning with pics and measurements. 

Fabulous and 40

Well it  happened people. I turned 40 this week. I have been dreading this since I turned 39, no idea why. I started my birthday smiling at being at peace with myself. A friend sent me a message and reminded me that in the past year I have overcome some prettt difficult inner demons and looking ahead with a postive attitude and a full heart made more sense than and attitude of defeat and dread. I thought about that a lot, why was 40 bothering me? I don’t feel “middle age” (and yes I recieved 3 text messages welcoming me to middle age), I don’t think I look “middle age” (or I am lied to alot), I definitely have days I feel it. I invested in some self reflection and fell asleep for a few hours before greeting the morning and my beautiful girls. No one at work knew it was my birthday, so I avoided the dreaded birthday cake. I had lunch with the husband, picked up cupcakes – which melted before we ate them, finished my work day out and headed to get a tattoo – only one of two things I wanted. My sister sat with me as we added to my right sleeve; I almost fell asleep. My night ended with my girls having cookies and ice cream. It was really the most perfect day. 

I have been running pretty much just on the weekends, school starts next week and I am planning on pre-work runs so we are on time daily. The rest of 2016 is dedicated to getting back on a regular regime, a solid clean food plan, strenghtening my body for next year and dropping 40-50#.

I plan on the following:

Heart mini 15k

Flying Pig Half

Redlegs 10K

Fourth of July 5K (33 min goal)

Honorrun Half

Thanksgiving Day 10K

I realize that recovery is a slow and difficult journey, its humbling and educational.  I’ve said all of this several times, through repition however we reinforce our goals. The remainder of this year I am working toward the Honorrun half Nov 13th, I’d like to see a 2:45 finish or less, but being able to train dedicatedly and complete the course is the real goal.  

This morning I had my second back to back run – in fact less than 12 hrs apart. So far I feel pretty good, my ankle isnt tight or swollen. I am going to try for a third day tomorrow and then a day off Monday. I know how my body feels when I run 5-6 days a week, I need that. 

The Art of Being Done

I realized I am the only me I can be—and not being unapologetically true to myself is a disservice to my soul, I am done listening to the noise of the world. I realized the quiet voice of my own soul is the most beautiful sound.

 I am done questioning my motives, my intentions, the call of my soul. I realize questions seek answers, and maybe I already know the answers.

I am done striving, forcing, pushing through and staying on the hard path. I realize toughing things out might be a sign to pick another path.

I am done with friends that don’t understand I swim in the deep waters of life, I feel at home in their dark depths and die if I  lived on the surface.

I am done with the distractions, the denials, the small addictions that pull me away from the true desires of my soul. I realize that strength of character comes from focus and commitment.

I am done not following the desires that yell out in my soul every day. I realize if I do nothing about them, they die a quiet death that took a piece of my soul with them.

I realize the beverages created distortion and a temporary happiness that isn’t real and disappeared in the light of the day.

I am done trying to please everyone. I realized it can never be done.

I am done questioning myself. I realize my heart knows the truth and I need to follow it.

I am done analyzing all the options, weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure everything out before leaping. I realize that taking a leap implied not fully seeing where I land.

I am done battling with myself, trying to change who I know myself to be. I realize the world has made it hard enough to fully be myself, so why add to the challenge.

I am done worrying, as if worry is the price I had to pay to make it all turn out okay. I realize I don’t  need to worry.

I am done apologizing and playing small to make others feel comfortable and fit in. I realize fitting in is overrated and shining my light makes others brave enough to do the same.

I am done with the should’s, ought to’s and have to’s of the world. I realize the only must’s in my life come from things that beat so strong in my soul, I can’t not do them.

I am done with remorse and could have’s. I realize hindsight never applies because circumstances always look different in the rearview mirror and you experience life looking through the front window.

I an done with friendships based on shared history and past experiences. I realize if friends couldn’t grow together, or were no longer following the same path, it was okay to let them go.

I am  done trying to fit in—be part of the popular crowd. I realize the price I had to pay to be included was too high and betrayed my soul.

I am done not trusting. I realize I have placed my trust in people that were untrustworthy—so I will start with the person I  can  trust the most—myself.

I am  done being tired. I realize it comes from spending my time doing things that didn’t bring me joy or feed my soul.

I am done trying to figure it all out, know the answers, plan everything and see all the possibilities before I began. I realize life is unfolding and that the detours and unexpected moments are some of the best parts.

I am done needing to be understood by anyone but myself. I realize I am the only person I would spend my whole life with and understanding myself is more important than being understood by others.

I am done looking for love. I realize loving and accepting myself was the best kind of love and the seed from which all other love started.

I an done fighting, trying to change or not accepting my body. I realize  the body I came into the world with was the only one I have —there are no exchanges or returns—so love and acceptance is the only way.

I am done being tuned in, connected and up-to-date all the time, the news and noise of the world is always there—a cacophony that never slowed or fell quiet and that listening to the silence of my soul was a better station to tune into.

I am done beating myself up and being so hard on myself as if either of these things led to changes or made me feel better. I realize kindness and compassion towards myself  means far more.

I an done comparing and looking at other people’s lives as a mirror for my own. I realize holding my own mirror cast in the best, most beautiful light serves me the greatest.

I am done being quiet, unemotional and holding my tongue. I realize my voice and my emotions could be traced back to my deepest desires and longings, if only I dare follow their thread.

I am done having to be right. I realize everyone’s truth was relative and personal to themselves, so the only right that is required is the one that felt true for me.

I am done not feeling at home in the world. I realize I might never feel at home in the world, but that feeling at home in myself is enough.

I am done being drained by others—by people who didn’t want to take the time for their own process and saw shortcuts though hers. I realize I can share my experience, but everyone needed to do the work themselves.

I am done thinking I have so much to learn. I realize I already knew so much, if I only listened.

I am done trying to change others or make them see things. I realize I can only lead by example and whether they see or follow it is up to them.

I am done with the inner critic. I realize  its voice is not my own.

I am done racing and being discontent with where I am, the present moment holds all it needs to, to get me to the next moment. It wasn’t out there—it is right here.

I am done seeing hurt as something to be avoided, foreseen or somehow my fault. I realize that hurt shapes me as much as joy and I need both to learn and grow.

I am done judging. I realize I  assumed the presence of right and wrong—and that there is  a difference between using information to inform and making someone else wrong.

I am done jumping to conclusions. I realize I only needed to ask.

I am done with regrets. I realize if I had known better I would have done better.

I am done being angry. I realize my  anger is just a flashlight that shows me what I was most scared of and once it illuminated what I need to see, I  no longer need to hold on to it.

I am done being sad. I realize  sorrow arises when I betray my own soul and make choices that aren’t true to myself.

I am done playing small. I realize  if others can’t handle my light, it is because they are  afraid of their own.

I am  done with the facades and the pretending. I realize masks are suffocating and claustrophobic.

I am done with others’ criticism and complaints, they told me nothing about myself —only informed me of their perspective.

I am done yelling above the noise of the world,  living out loud can be done quietly.

I am done needing permission and validation…

I am done being something I am not, the purpose of my life is to be truly, happily who I was born to be,and if I pause long enough to remember, I will  recognized myself.


So this is ME; after the gift of time alone, happy and sad, reflecting on who I am and where I am going. 


Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright?

I try really hard to not worry. What a redundant stupid sentance, try not to worry. My level of worry is pretty much this: This morning I woke up at 4am, well first to let the dog out, then to realize daughter #1 was up watching Chopped (kid has Netflix, and she watches Chopped, I love it!), and then it started… Que internal monologue music

“Did I pay the bills? If I didn’t, did I over spend at the grocery and can I now pay the bills? How cold is it? Maybe I should run now. Wait, is it raining? What time is it? 4:20 am I can’t wait to go on my mental health trip later this month. Oh crap do I have a bag for that?  What time is it? 4:25.  Did I let the dog in? Did I pay the bills? Maybe I should re-fi the house and be done with it. I really want a newer car, can I afford that? What’s the Dr. gonna say Wednesday? What if I have to have surgery again? How will that impact my tranining, maybe I should just go run. I’m so tired, my bed is so warm. The dog wants in. 4:40.” 

Lay back down, re-set alarm for 6:30, knowing that will make me late = crankier than I know I already will be. Think about people I love, wonder how they are, worry about how they are, remind myself that everything will be alright. I ate too much yesterday, vow to be a good girl all week (which meant I didnt eat at work today, again)…..until 6:30 somewhere I dozed back off…thinking.

My head literally never stops. I can’t focus on just one thing. Saturday: baked from scratch 2 desserts, washed the dog, scrubbed the floor, made dinner at some point, washed laundry, played Easter bunny and breathed. This was all at once, I never stopped to enjoy myself.  

Truth is, I know this: 

 But  thoughts just went on and on and on and I cried, my goodness mostly silent sobs with my face turned where no one could see it but I was drained. 

Tip of the day, don’t bet a dollar on me, throw it out the window instead.

15k….With No Prep

     

Ok so I ventured out this chilly Sunday morning around 6am shaking my own head at myself, I really did want to go and at the same time I really wanted to go back to bed, but hey this new vibrant top and sparkly Sweaty Band (best hair holder backer ever) how could I not try. With my ever faithful supporter, mom, in the car I arrived promptly 10 minutes after the offical start, I hate being late to anything, except this. I know crossing the line alone is best for my head. That first mile taking it easy I thought, 12:09 which for this time of year is good for me, I glanced over the seemingly breathing Ohio river, the sun golden on the fridgid water, the music in my head and I knew this is exactly where I was supposed to be at this moment. I watched the course that spanned the length of Columbia Parkway and back seeing the steady rise and fall of hills knowing I had to listen to me or I would fade later. Mile two behind me I hit my stride, 11:49.  My playlist pushing me, the vibration of my phone in my pocket I knew were texts from home, my sisters, my friend Alyssa and more. One foot followed the other and before I knew it I hit the turn around. The first half running with the wind behind me I knew it would be at my left and front until I bent back into the heart of the city. Mile 4:69, the sun broke through clearly and Here Comes the Sun, people may think I make this up but every run when the sun finally hits me full force that song comes on within moments, unplanned, not searched for, I call it a little bit of fate. I spent the next 3 miles in a steady footfall and then I felt my left foot was off, note to self break in new shoes more prior to a long distance. Miles 8 through the finish were painful thanks to the blister on my little toe, but never has pain stopped me, maybe slowed me but never stopped. The last right turn I looked at my watch to see I was at 1:59 no way was I going to put up a 2+ hour time for less than 10 miles. The last little bit of the mile I pushed everything I had. I know I probably look stupid but to me it felt good, longer strides, and crossed at 1:59:37, on my watch a 12:45 pace – coincidentally the same pace I had for both halves last fall.

I was good with my finish.

On another note, ahead in my life are coming some big changes, I am not ready to share just yet (vague isnt nice I know) but I would sincerely appreciate any spare positive energy anyone has, as I am sending mine out as well. 

You have always had the power mt dear, you just had to learn it yourself.” ~ The Wizard of OZ


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