Legs

My legs are long and thick.
My hips wide and strong, my Dr. told me at 18 I was built for childbirth, they ache and I worry about following in my grandmother’s steps as I have in so many other ways.
My knees ache, years crouched behind home plate, and most of my life being overweight.
My feet feel things they previously haven’t felt, toes that have been broken and bruise; still freshly recovered from faciatiis.

Tonight I ran.

At 9:45 tonight after a long day, grocery shopping, mommying, I pulled on the pants and my favorite purple top, laced up my shoes and I headed out.

I turned the corner from the first uphill, my legs felt strong, for the first time in a long time feel I didn’t anything pulling, aching, nagging, I felt fast. I was disappointed when I hit 1.5 miles that my time was no better than it had been, just a bit above 12/mile; regardless I felt good.

I’m not feeling very confident about my 100 miles for the month, but the 10# I feel very good about!!

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Thank you Rob !!

 Wahoo Rob, the author of weight2lose2013 nominated me for a Wonderful Team Member Readership award! I have proudly displayed this blog bling to the right – take a peek you know you wanna!!

TEAMWORK:  The process of working collaboratively with a group of people in order to achieve a goal. Teamwork is often a crucial part of a business, as it is often necessary for colleagues to work well together, trying their best in any circumstance. Teamwork means that people will try to cooperate, using their individual skills and providing constructive feedback, despite any personal conflict between individuals.

I love the community here, the resources, creativity and sharing is really motivating!

So with this award comes the honor of nominating other blogs as well. Listed below are some of the blogs that I really have enjoyed reading..

  1. myspokenheart
  2. Kalevera
  3. Sometimes Martha Always Mary
  4. Home Yoga Practice
  5. Stop just existing and start living
  6. Headlong Running Betty
  7. Cat’s Mewsings
  8. Stuff My Brain Thinks
  9. Making Sense from MY Perspective
  10. Ray Ferrer – Emotion on Canvas
  11. MY JOURNEY, MY LIFE TO A NEW ME
  12. Life with “Courage”
  13. Talkin’ Reckless
  14. Calorie Slut
  15. Weight2lose2013

 

So, here are the rules:

Rules for this award:

1.  Display your award.

2.  Thank the person nominating you on their blog.

3.   Nominate 14 blogs who are readers of your blog.

4.   Let the nominees know.

Note to self

Dear Me:

 

                Today has been a hard day.

I am proud of you for only eating 3 cookies, it could have been easily 7-10, you ate the dinner you planned instead of caving in for heart shaped pizza, you had a yummy lunch and made a choice that allowed you to enjoy something you really like.

It’s ok that you skipped a work out today, everyone needs a day of rest now and then. It doesn’t mean you won’t tomorrow, or the day after that…

It’s ok that you are feeling a little low and just want to cry. This is real life. Your triumph is that you didn’t feed it no matter how bad you wanted to.

So, relax. Enjoy (or try to) a night of rest. There are days left until Sunday, one day off doesn’t mean the week was a loss, it’s a moment and in the past. Let it go and let’s move forward.

Remember that I love you, you are doing great, this is a difficult journey and no one can be strong all the time, that also means that no one is weak all the time.

 

 

Happy New Me…2013 beigns

 

This morning I did as I promised myself I would. I stepped on the scale and accepted what I saw. I am not proud of the result, but I know it’s the last time I will be there.

 

I have set my personal fitness and healthy lifestyle goals, I have made the commitment to participate in at least two Warrior Dash events in the next 6-8 months, the Redlegs Run, and maybe the Flying Pig. By paying my entry fees already I have given myself motivation to be fit enough to complete these tasks, my only competition is against myself.

 

 

I laced up a little bit ago, turned on some music and started this journey again.

When I closed my eyes and let the music set the pace, some moments I was breathless and others my tone deaf voice was bestowed upon my family (but singing is the sign of a happy heart, and I am happy – yes, me happy, for real).

I felt my legs, not as slim as they once were, but still powerful as I pushed the pedals forward.

I felt my arms always a self conscious body part for me, but I think about the tattoo that covers it partially and I envision it complete, beautiful, growing stronger and leaner with every pull of the handles.

I felt my abdomen, skin stretched from housing my little ladies, but also stronger because of that, those muscles guarded and supported their earliest, most crucial moments, it won’t ever be the 3 pack I once had, but it won’t be a half barrel either.

I listened to from within the sound of my heart thumping in my chest, rhythmically beneath my skin, and spreading life through me.

I felt the rise and fall of my chest, taking in and letting go; letting go with each exhale things that I cannot change, things that are in the past, the body I woke with…it is that easy sometimes to let go.

I stepped off, pulling my shoes from my feet, drinking cold water, feeling it refresh and rehydrate my body; and for a moment I felt the woman inside I long to be, she’s there, been dormant for a few years while other things took precedence,  but there none the less.

So Happy New ME!

 

 

When food doesn’t make it better…

…it typically makes it worse. Because after the moment of deliciousness passes, the physical reaction of feeling too full from having stuffed it down so quickly, the emotional guilt for giving in again, the sadness, the failure, the immediate re-commitment to not do it again.

Who ever doesn’t believe that food is an addiction, is addicted to something else, admit it or not we all have some crutch we lean on when we feel hopeless – spending, exercising, sex, cutting, drugs, alcohol…

I know I am a perfectionist, I am anal about certain things, I do not take criticism in the least well (I have known this since about age 7), I am addicted to food.

I eat when no one is looking, things I know I shouldn’t, lots of it, as fast as I can.

It’s a problem, I admit it.

 

Today I failed in the food department.

 

I got upset at work, over something that was a very honest mistake in the midst of a learning process, the emotion I fed was failure and criticism. The day started off very well, a sensible healthy breakfast that slowly led to a handful of peanut M&M’s, Chipolte with chips, two Reese’s Cups, 3 diet sodas, gummi worms, an apple, then a cheese burger at Big Boy and I wasn’t hungry, and I ate dessert with the girls as well, repeat I was NOT HUNGRY. I was sad, deflated, lonely, disappointed in myself for something I didn’t intentionally do, something that was corrected and didn’t really hurt anything, and then I continued to feed the sadness of eating a lunch I didn’t really want, by eating again.

 

The emotion that followed this up was anger, for being so weak, however the next step was more productive.

I put my shoes on and climbed on the elliptical. I turned on 107.1 (here in Cincinnati that’s KISS 107) and this song came on: Try by Pink http://youtu.be/yTCDVfMz15M now I know the song isn’t about a fat lady on an elliptical but I cried.

 

“Ever worried that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you’re out there doing what you’re doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by by by…”

 

But to me it felt like me in the moment, and I let one moment ruin me for the day, it made me cry.

Today in silence.

I know everyone has had more than one silent, tearless cry in their life,  today when no one watched, or bothered to as if I was OK, I fed myself.

I lost sight of my goal and gave in, but getting on the elliptical signified that I didn’t give up. When I got done, I was a sweaty, mascara streaked, dehydrated mess. But in that 30 minutes I found absolution of the guilt of feeding the emotion.

I didn’t go back to the kitchen for any other reason but for a glass of water and to wash my hands.

 

In that act of washing my hands and writing this I let go of my failure. It is in the past. There is nothing I can do about it except TRY not to repeat it. I know there will be more times in my life that I fail, many more, if  I didn’t I wouldn’t be learning, growing or human. But, I hope that I learn to accept my failures with a little more grace and channel that feeling like I finally did today, into something productive.

 

65 days down 300 to go

2 pounds down 50 to go)

1 battle won, 1 war that rages on

Preparedness for a Lifestyle Change

One of the most difficult things for me is being prepared for success.

It’s so very easy to stop at Little Caesar’s and grab $10.00 worth of pizza, or make a box of mac and cheese for the kids and just “finish what’s left”. Those two actions set me up to fail. Pizza alone is not filling, and cheap pizza is not tasty, if I am going to waste calories I should at least like what I am eating, and box-o’ mac-n-cheese is the same demon – it doesn’t taste good at all.

So preparation for a healthy food lifestyle is incredibly important.

This week I remembered when I had my initial success at WW in 2003 the number one thing I did was have a variety of go to options ready when I had the urge to snack. I know myself, my attitude  my emotions – I know I have not conquered not feeding them, but I can feed them in a more healthy way until I have taught myself some other coping mechanism.

 

Sunday (yesterday) I went to the grocery store prepared. I had a list and a purpose in shopping. I got the following for the week:

 

pistachios

apples

bananas

sugar free cherry and lime jello

light Reddi Whip

Wasa crackers

veggie cream cheese

celery

peppers

yogurt

 salad fixins

cucumbers

tomatoes

 

I spent most of the morning prep-ping everything; washed, cut up, eye level when the fridge is opened. I made breakfast sandwiches for the whole family, mine and Scott’s with egg, half a slice of cheese as opposed to the normal full slice and half a slice of ham, instead of sausage, on a reduced fat biscuit (English muffin or 100 calorie bagel would be a better choice, but the biscuit allows me to grab and go).

Part of my shopping strategy was to exclude things that I always say I won’t eat because they are not for me, but eat anyhow; the junkiest snack we have is Cheez-its and Goldfish Pretzels, neither of which are terrible nor a favorite of mine so I know if I resort to them I must have issue at hand that I need to deal with.

I baked this weekend and remembered the value of a can of pumpkin! This time of year a very nostalgic flavour and when used in baking to substitute the eggs and oil, omit frosting and feel little guilt about eating my own Pumpkin Cupcakes – typically a heavy substitution I added 7-up in lieu of the water to give the batter a lift and it’s only 100 calories for the 8 oz, divided into the 19 cupcakes less than 5 calories to each and no added fat, I think it’s a doable change.

So my lesson to myself is take time to be prepared. Preparation equals success against snacking, easy dinners with fewer steps because the work is half done and feeling satisfied by the meal I have made both physically and emotionally.

 

It’s time to elliptical! After a week of being sick and unable to breathe I am ready to get back on track in that realm as well.

 

9 weeks down 41 to go

2 pounds down 50 to go!!

Choices

Sitting here at 6am, sweating I just stepped off the elliptical in a house where everyone else is still asleep. Mornings I find personally are the best time to slip in my “me” time. It gives me energy for the day ahead, motivation to make smarter food choices (I will not discuss the bad choices I made  yesterday), and gives me a little confidence in myself that I made the choice to get out of bed and do this for me.

It is not selfish and really doesn’t impact anyone when I do it this way. In the coming weeks I plan on making it a regular part of my day, leaving the evenings to Scott when he’s home, and the girls. I am hoping that the regular activity will keep my positive and the numbers heading in the right direction.

I call today Choices because weight/weight loss is 99% about choices for the majority. There are many things in my life that I have little to no say in, but this one is totally on me. I must continually remind myself that what I see when I am getting out of the showers is no one else’s choice but mine and it is my choice to make the changes in me so that I love who I am.

This week I have made very smart choices, with a momentary lapse last night, but that choice is in the past.

Time to hit the shower and get a movin on this Friday.

53 down 312 to go

weight checkin on Monday!

7 weeks

They say a journey starts with a single step, a work out starts the same way.

Repeat, repeat, repeat until you reach a goal.

 

Three days in a row, that’s called a streak.

 

7 weeks done

49 days down 316 to go

+4 up 56 down to go

 

43 days down 322 to go

That’s 6 weeks into 52 weeks of health and wellness revolution for me.

What progress have I made?

Humm, none.

I have once again excelled at stating that I am going to accomplish something, put a very doable plan in process and once again let life get right in the way, let it be an excuse.

 

What am I going to do about it?

I am going to have a positive attitude about it. I am not going to look at it as a failure, but more like one big bubble that somehow I will pop. Today was very positive, I even made time for the elliptical. I utilized TV time for good, Dora tonight you gave me health instead of a headache, so I say thank you to you for that.

 

What am I going to do about it tomorrow?


Try again. Hope that when I step on the scale the next time that it’s a little less, even .2# I will count as a success. Gone are the days of many pounds in a week like when I was in my 20’s I am nearer to 40 than 30 so I have to be realistic and celebrate MY accomplishments.

It is only my opinion that matters when the reflection looks back, I know this I’ve talked about it before, I have to make myself believe it. I am the only force that can allow that to happen.

I have to accept that “what he sees” mentality; that is not an excuse but a mindset that I will more than likely not have a very firm and flat midsection again, I more than likely will not have narrow hips that fill out a pair of tight fitting jeans, and you know what, THAT IS OK. I don’t have to look like I did when I was 27.

What I need is to be satisfied with the body I am able to transform now, to embrace the curves and marks of motherhood, and showcase them as best I can.

 

So here’s to me, trying again…

I want to be happy

In my head it sounds like a doable plan.

In action I am NOTHING but excuses.

The day slips away, I’ve had no sleep.

Right now it’s all I can do to keep myself intact.

To keep myself from crying in frustration – how much I hate this body, my lack of motivation.

All I do is work, clean, clean, clean….then collapse to sleep for 2 maybe 3 hours. Then little feet scamper into my room, wide awake; and for as much as they are my heart, I am screaming in my head “Why don’t you sleep? What am I doing wrong? Why does this make me feel like a failure?”

It seems I try to split my very limited free time with them and trying to make me feel better about me, and then my home is in shambles. So I tend to it and them, and hate the way I feel because I left “me” out of the equation. Then I feel guilty for not taking care of me, feeling guilty for neglecting them and the house. There just aren’t enough hours in the day….and yes it’s an excuse.

So where does my time go:

 

10/16/12

 

4 am Ailey comes into bed with me

4:30 am Piper follows suit – I am now laying on about 6″ of mattress, no covers, freezing with the window open, my jaw is starting to ache.

4:45 am go lay on couch, try to sleep for 30 more minutes

4:46 am Piper joins me

4:48 am Ailey cries because there is no room for her on the couch as well

4:55 am give up and make milk cups and snacks, put them in their beds with a “watch” get ready for work

5:10 am realize I didn’t wash my one and only pair of pants that fit – have to wear a skirt, it’s cold, no stockings because I have no closed toed shoes yet

5:30 am peel oranges and kiss girls, who are now in the kitchen doing puzzles, put dozen cupcakes in car for consult later today

5:45 am drop off deposit at bank for work

6:00 am call superintendent at work and remind him to get someone to remove concrete from the dumpster

6:23 am pull into work

6:30 am start work

3:45 pm leave work, realize it was much hotter out than I thought and cupcakes have melted (FAIL)

4:05 pm cupcake consult (now been awake 12 hours on 5 hours or less sleep)

5:30 pm pick up pizza for Liz and kiddos for dinner

7:00 pm head home

7:30 pm run laundry, fold laundry, spend 5 minutes washing hair and shaving legs

8:00 pm snuggle with kids for a few minutes

8:15 pm fold more laundry

8:30 pm pack diaper bag and set out clothes for girls for tomorrow, set out my clothes for tomorrow

9:00 pm do our “moon” list, make water cups, pat backs

9:15 pm pat backs again

9:30 pm sit down for the first time all day that didn’t involve work or someone climbing on me

 

How do I feel?

– feel guilty that I didn’t exercise, then cry because I am so tired I know I don’t have the energy to do it

– feel like shit about my body as I sit here in a nighty that I got last year and contemplated wearing as a dress    because it looked so good, decide I need to put on a robe

– I still have one more load of laundry to do tonight

You know the other day someone asked me what I wanted….there are lots of things I want, we all do. But it made me think – What do I really want? From life and living, loving and being…simple right? Think about it, have you ever? It’s very selfish. To take a moment and seriously consider what YOU want.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

So how do I resolve this cycle?

I can’t neglect my house, if I had come right home from work I still would have had to make dinner, do laundry and today was bathroom cleaning day which I will now have to do tomorrow, and I sit here and silently pray that the girls by some miracle sleep until I have to be up again at 5 maybe I will have the energy to actually exercise…the one thing I am doing is presenting a realistic and completely honest look at how I run my life, the frustrations I endure, the thought process that runs them, my busy mind that never sleeps, how I long to wake and feel refreshed, to have conviction and drive, to have support and a little cooperation. But life is not always like that, it ebbs and flows like everything else and all I can do it the best with what I’ve got.

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