January 2017: What if you simply devoted a year to loving yourself more?

I start things with great intention and life happens as it does to most; my personal testimonials and promises are quickly the thing I have to let go of. The end of 2016 was rough. From finding out I screwed up our taxes 3 years ago and now we are paying  back, Scott losing his job, among the other struggles we already felt (to each his own,its all relative to the life we live) we had a nice bag of shit to tote into the new year; a year so many hoped would be better than 2016.

Honestly  2016 isn’t  one I will look back with fondness but with the wide eyes of life education. 

I attended 14 funerals, 4 family and 10 from work. This alone was so mentally and emotionally painful it shut me down. 

I didn’t meet any goal I set for myself, in fact I shut that train of thought down in February after being told there wasn’t anything wrong with my ankle but there was also no hope of a marathon in my 2016. 

I witnessed families grieve, for a multitude of reasons and more than once I had an itty, bitty, pity party for poooorrrr me…oh and there ws me turning 40. 

Now one month into this new 2017 I look back and I feel the relief of 2016 being over. I have so many positives in front of me, maybe that struggle was for some greater purpose. I have a happiness in me I haven’t felt for a very long time; when hiccups arise I don’t feel like my world is at the brink of extinction. I wake up most mornings ready to kick some ass and live life to the fullest. I’m getting to experience my children daily, their laughter and tears (girls cry a lot who knew?!) their success and their struggles….

Caution Parental Honesty Ahead:

My Ailey whom gets the raves at school for straight A’s and exemplary behavior, my bookworm who reads like its going out of style, loves science, Star Wars, a good snuggle and oh my the creativity – she may look like her daddy but that child is me reborn…until faced with her sister and then watch out!

My Piper…oh that little girl. As hilarious as she is rotten, a very average student, a moderate behavior problem (honest parenting observation) spunky, independant and my word teenage years will be a challenge. At home she is loving, helpful, snuggly and everybit my baby. Her demeanor much like her daddy, “….don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright…” the victim of her sister’s agression, why we have no idea.  

I enjoy every moment, I felt like I had been missing that, I had really been feeling like being a parent wasn’t my calling. I make being mommy a priority now, as much as taking care of myself. We are all better for it.

Ready to run?!

 Heck yes I am. It is a slow, slow journey but I re-joined weight watchers at the end of December and gave myself one month to get practical eating under me, down 8.8#. Month two-  I am now adding in a running/walking/yoga plan. Excited that I have created a little yoga space at home with a heater (since I ūüíú hot yoga) my mat and I will meet before work and prepare me from the inside out for my day ahead. A personal challenge of a 5k a day for the next 30 days and perhaps the Heart Mini 15K if I can score a free entry. Mentally I am in the best state I have been in longer than I can remember. I am on the lowest dose of antidepressants,every-other-day in fact than I have  been in 6 years, this goes to show when you free yourself of the things you really cannot control and the toxic people in your life, the change that can manifest is liberating. 

Life for now 1/12 of the way through 2017 is good. It feels full and right, for me. There are challenges that exist, but I feel confident that I am equipped to face them and endure.

Running plan for 2017:

March: Heart Mini 15k (9ish miles)

May: Flying Pig Half 

July: 4th of July 5k – goal of a 34 min finish

September: Air Force Marathon 

October: Queen Bee half (long shot to squeeze this one in)

November: Honorrun Half 

Weight loss goal for 2017: 60#

What if you simply devoted this year to loving yourself more?


I’m A Dropout…Again

I made the difficult decision this past weekend to discontinue my membership at Weight Watchers. I have been so very blessed to have been gifted this for the past year, I appreciative for the love and support my sister was generous enough to give, but I have just been wasting the gift. The last few months I had been maintaining and then I have had a slight gain.

Why in this moment give up again? I started looking at how I used the program, how I manipulated the points, it really didn’t make me any more accountable than being at home, and once I gave up the meetings, lost the love I felt there, it¬†just doesn’t make sense to continue on.

Does that mean I am giving up? Hell no! I had an ah-ha moment yesterday when I went to yoga sitting on my mat in front of the full length mirror, I cried.

Who is this person I am looking at? Where is my self love? Why did I let myself slide again?

I can make excuses all over the place, I dislike my job, trying to sell the house, endless worries about paying bills, just me as a person; the reality is, it’s all me. I choose to eat when I can’t control my life…two cheeseburgers, ice cream, beer, way too much diet soda, candy, candy, candy….no one forces me to eat this, I open my mouth and stuff myself until I “feel better” and then I feel guilty.

I can’t say that I will ever win this battle, but maybe I can teach myself to cope with it. I have decided to challenge myself to 21 days of clean eating, food is my issue, not exercise my foot (knock on wood) I believe is healed, I ran 6 miles this weekend, and 4 days last week with very minimal discomfort; this is a test of my accountability to me, no excuses. Coincidentally it takes 21-28 days to form a new and lasting habit.

My time is now.

I must love myself enough

I must believe in myself enough

 

 

 

Anatomy of My Run

Saturday was a beautiful day.

I was up at 6:30, thankful in my bed that the girls were worn out enough to still be asleep. I quietly slipped on my running shoes, to hear the footsteps of little people greeting me, but they were content to watch TV until daddy got up while I went to run.

It’s been a long time since I ran four miles, I know it was last year. This week my mantra has been that of do what feels good to my body. I set out intentionally with a goal and modify as I need to.

ANATOMY OF MY RUN: My runs now start with a yoga in the drive way; forward fold, downward dog, half downward dog, warrior two, forward fold, reach for the sun, set my intention for the run to feel the strength of my body,¬†¬†as my muscles stretch I feel more relaxed, my back not as tense, my legs ready to go. Walk for a moment or two, ease into the run with a slow jog. Music running through my head,¬†Clarity, Happy, Ricochet… pick up the pace. Down the hill, lose the music for a minute, up the hill it comes back, listen to my breath, feel my feet hit the pavement, strike in the middle, not the heel, think about it, ¬†breath deliberately. One mile down, finally this year I have made it a mile straight, down, down, down, dreading the up that’s followed by a steeper up, “Run the whole thing, don’t quit!” reach the stop sign, smile at yourself. Turn left, two mile stop is close, today is the day I make four again. The sun peeking over the treetops now, I smile wider, the beat fuels me. My legs feel strong, my lungs don’t ache for breath, it all feels in sync, for a moment I consider stretching this to a six mile day and then remind myself I am still recovering, I don’t want my months of stretching and little runs to be for nothing; six and more will be here before I know it. Feel the sweat dripping down my arms under a long sleeved shirt, down the middle of my back, time to take the shirt off, instantly feel cooler, even a little chilly. Turn back into the subdivision. Down the hill, sprint it, run it hard, take advantage, down again, use it to push me up. Two more hills and head for home….walk in the door. Breathless. 50:02. It’s far from my best, but it felt amazing to go out and do it.

Running is therapy for me. I don’t need anyone to do it with me, I actually prefer to go alone. Many runs have a pause for tears, it’s when I am out there alone I can feel whatever I need to – sadness, pride, frustration, anger, joy – many of my runs there is a stretch where no one can hear me and sometimes I will scream, sometimes it’s really loud, but it lightens me.

I get home refreshed, renewed, able to give my love and attention to those who need it.

 

 

Inching On

MEASUREMENTS for April:

Bust¬†¬† 44″ now 41″ ¬† April 41″ = stayed the same

Rear¬†47″ now 41.75″ ¬†April 43.75″ = ¬†increase by 2″

Waist¬† 42″ now 35.75″ April 37″ = increase by 1.25″

Arms¬† 17″ now 14.25″ April 14.75″ = increase by .5″

Thigh¬†¬† 29.5″ now 24″ April 24″ = stayed the same

Calves¬† 20″ now 18.75″ April 19″ = increase .25″

 BMI  37   now 31.9 April 32.7 = .8 increase

Pants  14/16 now 12/14 = stayed the same but tighter fit

Shirt  XL now L = stayed the same but tighter fit

Total measurable loss ¬†¬†26.5″ and 32.4# ¬†April 22.5″ and 27#¬†

Miles ran: 36 /700 for 2014photo

 

I have given a lot of my mental energy to thinking about my foot and the if/when it’s ever going to feel better. The reality is that it will just take time, there is nothing more I can really do to aid in its recovery.

I have tried to blame a love-loss with Weight Watchers, no space in the house to work out, blah, blah, blah….I am the only person to blame for where I am at now.

Yesterday morning I took pictures and measurements again. I can see where my dedication last summer slimmed my waist. I can feel it too, I feel so soft. My back was aching yesterday and I was having a little at home yoga session and I could I feel the “chunkiness” in my breath. ¬†After that I realized my success really does lay in my hands. So I lovingly packed my lunch for work. Cut up the fruits that I picked for this week at the store, and had a little talk with myself about my goals and where I want to be; reminding myself that little changes, over time make the most impact, that the 4% of a day I know I need to feel good about myself is manageable….and at 4:30 this morning I pulled myself out of bed and stepped out the front door and logged a run. I was very happy with my pace at 12:12/mile, even better I was able to lay back down for a few minutes before I had to get dressed.

I have a sensible meal packed and dinner planned.

Nana used to say “Yard by yard, life is hard; Inch by Inch, life is a sinch.” I’m sure someone famous is responsible for that quote, but she is the one I heard it from.

So inch on I tell me, inch on.

 

 

 

Competition

I am an incredibly competitive person.

I hate to lose.

I love having a goal to push toward.

 

Last weekend I went back to Weight Watchers after two weeks of using My Fitness Pal; results, personally I lost 3.2#, for WW I lost 1#. So it was a success and I really like the tracking aspect much better than the WW ap – I feel that tracking calories and being accountable for everything eaten is not only a better method, but makes me think more before I consume anything. Had I been totally honest and tracked every single day of the 14 I would have lost more.

 

When I arrived home I started the fun task of cleaning out my closet of the winter items, some of which I am going to be donating next fall because they are too big, and as I looked through things from last summer I notice that some garments still fit and some do not – they are too tight.

 

Then like many women do, I dared myself to stand in front of our mirror naked and take an honest look at what I saw.

 

I often think about the difference between what I see and what my husband sees, what other people see, and I looked again.

Conclusion:¬†The only opinion that means anything is my own. If I don’t like it, no showering of compliments or criticisms is going to make any difference, and the mirror needed some Windex.

 

So why then do I make myself feel like I am competing against women in their 20’s, who haven’t had kids, or have more time to work out, etc… the competition shouldn’t be with any of those outside forces!!

 

Reality Check:¬†I am never going to be in my 20’s again, I am never going to have the body I did before kids, it’s not likely that I will ever have the time to give a few hours for working out a day, or hours a day to plan and cook the perfect meals. But, what I do have is an idea in my head of what I want, and how I can make that happen

How many sticks????

This wasn’t the progress I was hoping to see this month. a minuscule .4#’s and 1/4″ isn’t very much, however it’s still progress toward the goal. I started to feel disappointed in myself, but I can’t. I stopped tracking, measuring, controlling food instead I let it control me, I didn’t say “no thank you” as often as I should…now I look to the left and see that massive pile of butter – 120 sticks ¬†and realize that even though I didn’t drop as many pounds as I wanted to, I have still made progress. I didn’t gain any, I maintained, and that itself isn’t an easy feat. I also realize that if I was paying more attention to what I ate combined with the calories I am burning I would be seeing the loss I desire – note to self: it works if you work it.

¬†This month’s “during” photo features a skirt I have kept in my closet as a go to when nothing else fit. I wore it to work one day and had the realization that it was a little too big to keep wearing and then I put it where it should be worn, at the waist and this is what I saw! There’s enough room in there for a lot more of me! This was the last time I ever wore this garment, it now resides in the trash. I had to part with this favorite to remind me that is not the body I want¬†any more¬† I don’t want it to fit, EVER AGAIN. Then I re-visited my wardrobe and sure enough there were a few other items that needed to go.

Motivation for the next 4 weigh in’s: I am so very close to being below 200#, I haven’t seen that since April of 2008, yup the month I got pregnant with Ailey I was in the 190’s and since then I have gotten close but never broke through – this is it. This month I will say goodbye to the 200’s FOREVER.¬†

MEASUREMENTS for August Progress:

Bust¬†¬† 44″ now 42.5″

Rear¬†47″ now 42″

Waist¬† 42″ now 36″

Arms¬† 17″ now 14.25″

Thigh¬†¬† 29.5″ now 24″

Calves¬† 20″ now19.25″

BMI  37   now 32.1

Pants  14/16 now 12/14

Shirt  XL now L

Total measurable loss ¬†¬†21.5″ and 30.4#

Miles ran: 75.23

 

 

One Weekend, Two Events

This weekend was a busy one….

 

Saturday: I did the Color Run in Cincinnati. I highly recommend this as a good first event, family event, or gathering of friends who want to get a little exercise and have some fun. Standing in the chute waiting for the wave to begin the DJ humored the group and color was flying. Pink, blue, yellow, purple the pavement stained with it, the air thick with residue. The weather was optimal, cool and sunny; the course was laid out in a zig-zag pattern near Paul Brown Staduim and the first dose of color came within a half mile. In less than thirty minutes I toed the finish line, this was not a officially timed event but runkeeper says I completed the 2.76 miles (it was advertised as a 5K which is 3.14) in 29:06 my personal goal was the 3.14 in less than 36 minutes, I most certainly would have met that goal with ease.

Sunday: I joined this event due to the large participation of the Sunday Fundayers at WW in Erlanger. It’s modest $10 entry fee made it difficult to say no. This 5K course took me through old parts of Erlanger beginning and ending at the Kenton County Library. My mother, Uncle Ken, and littles were also present to push and encourage me. Crossing the finish line in 35:44 – next year I will win my division, I was only 2 minutes behind the second place finisher and 3 behind the winner – I know I can accomplish this. The girls were able to participate in the kids fun run around the parking lot and they had fun being chased by mommy and their Ms. Kris; both are quite proud of their participation medals.

 

How these events measure my progress: In seven weeks I have cut a little more than three minutes off my 5K pace. When I finished the event on July 4th I knew then that I could do anything I set my mind to. My bib and timer for the Komen 10K showed up today and I am revising my personal goal from 1:45 to 1:15. In this last month I have also decided to set a long term goal – I am going to run a full marathon by the time I am 40, I have 3 years to meet this goal.

 

Katy Perry: ROAR   http://youtu.be/e9SeJIgWRPk

 

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Now I’m floating like a butterfly¬†

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero to my own hero

24 Trips to the Scale

MEASUREMENTS:

Bust¬†¬† 44″ now 42.75″

Rear¬†47″ now 42″

Waist¬† 42″ now 36″

Arms¬† 17″ now 14.25″

Thigh¬†¬† 29.5″ now 24″

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Calves¬† 20″ now19.50″

BMI  37   now 32.8

Pants  14/16 now 12/14

Shirt  XL now L

Total measurable loss

¬†21″ and 30#

Miles ran: 79.44

Another four trips to the scale, another month where the loss was more in inches than pounds. I have finally broken through into the 200’s and¬†, my goal is to make it below 200 before the month is out.

¬†RUNNING…has become quite the obsession for me. I lace up 6 days a week and rarely run less than 3 miles. I have created several routes at home that I enjoy and am slowly increasing my distances in preparation for the 10K in September – this past Saturday I did my first 6 miler in 1:15 I was pretty pleased with that time, and last night I had my best 3 to date with a pace of 11:57/mile.

 The best moment had to be last week when the girls asked to run with me. When I got back from my 4 miles, they both put their shoes on and we ran to the stop sign, its a good little distance for a 3 and 4 year old and they were amazing Рthey ran the whole thing. They and Scott are so supportive, without them my progress would not be possible.

¬†The Battle with Food…I tried this past month to be a more faithful tracker.

 I have found that I eat well during the day Рclean, fruits, veggies, bread, lean protein and nuts, when I get home and run my appetite is for protein, I am no longer living to eat, I am eating to live. This is a monumental task.  For when I eat to nourish my body and choose the right things, I am satisfied longer.

I can’t say we haven’t splurged, but I have kept it smart, allowed myself to enjoy pizza at a party, ice cream with my kids, a few chips now and then but I have come a long way.

¬†This membership to Weight Watchers has come at a point in my life where I really feel like I can live it, it’s not a weekly struggle to lose, it’s about accepting my reality. Knowing that loss every week isn’t realistic, and when I have a gain, I am not crushed¬† because I know it means I have to think more the next week.

 

 

 

 

 

Personal Goal Met!!!

I didn’t think that I was even close to slipping back into these notorious “hot-ass” jeans just yet, I had it as my 65#’s lost reward to myself ¬†I only tried them on because my one pair I do have that fits are fading fast, I’ve been wearing them since before I had Piper and they are soft and fit for about 20 minutes out of the dryer. I wanted to gauge how close I was to them fitting if it was worth spending money, even at a second hand store on a new pair. I was worried that my legs wouldn’t fit into them.

 

As I slid them off the hangar and over my first foot, I fully anticipated them to stop abruptly at my calves, the one body part I cannot seem to reshape at all. To my surprise they slid over, and up my thighs and the button fit perfectly into it’s little hole. I didn’t have to lay down on the bed or anything! ha-ha-ha

 

I know they aren’t a perfect fit -yet, if I sat in them they might bust, but they are on and that means I am close. It also means I won’t spend anything on something new!

 

So milestone met, money save, success rewarded – motivation? hell yes – I have several other things in my closet that have to be close to wearable too, just a matter of more pounds, inches, miles, sweat, measuring, planning and living!!!

 

 

 

Biggest Loser – Halfway through

Well The Biggest Loser at work has reached week 6 – I finally had a decent loss for there and have reached 10# loss according to their records.

 

At the outset I had a goal of 3# a week which I knew was crazy, but I am not unhappy with 10# in 6 weeks. What I am more pleased with is the inches I have been able to trim – I have two more weeks and then I will remeasure.

 

The leader as of last week has had amazing success, and I know that I am out of the running for anything but getting back my entry fee (possibly as I may be switching jobs if the odds are in my favor). I am still focused on reaching my personal goal weight and breaking through that zero over the weekend really felt like things are back on track.

 

I am hoping this weekend to hit my 30# milestone ….

 

Previous Older Entries

Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com
Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com