Fabulous and 40

Well it  happened people. I turned 40 this week. I have been dreading this since I turned 39, no idea why. I started my birthday smiling at being at peace with myself. A friend sent me a message and reminded me that in the past year I have overcome some prettt difficult inner demons and looking ahead with a postive attitude and a full heart made more sense than and attitude of defeat and dread. I thought about that a lot, why was 40 bothering me? I don’t feel “middle age” (and yes I recieved 3 text messages welcoming me to middle age), I don’t think I look “middle age” (or I am lied to alot), I definitely have days I feel it. I invested in some self reflection and fell asleep for a few hours before greeting the morning and my beautiful girls. No one at work knew it was my birthday, so I avoided the dreaded birthday cake. I had lunch with the husband, picked up cupcakes – which melted before we ate them, finished my work day out and headed to get a tattoo – only one of two things I wanted. My sister sat with me as we added to my right sleeve; I almost fell asleep. My night ended with my girls having cookies and ice cream. It was really the most perfect day. 

I have been running pretty much just on the weekends, school starts next week and I am planning on pre-work runs so we are on time daily. The rest of 2016 is dedicated to getting back on a regular regime, a solid clean food plan, strenghtening my body for next year and dropping 40-50#.

I plan on the following:

Heart mini 15k

Flying Pig Half

Redlegs 10K

Fourth of July 5K (33 min goal)

Honorrun Half

Thanksgiving Day 10K

I realize that recovery is a slow and difficult journey, its humbling and educational.  I’ve said all of this several times, through repition however we reinforce our goals. The remainder of this year I am working toward the Honorrun half Nov 13th, I’d like to see a 2:45 finish or less, but being able to train dedicatedly and complete the course is the real goal.  

This morning I had my second back to back run – in fact less than 12 hrs apart. So far I feel pretty good, my ankle isnt tight or swollen. I am going to try for a third day tomorrow and then a day off Monday. I know how my body feels when I run 5-6 days a week, I need that. 

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Fourth Of July 5K 2016

Do you ever wake up at 3:30 in the morning to your child who just had their tonsils and adenoids out standing beside your bed crying and think,”I’m gonna have a great run today!” Nope, me either; but, that was my reality today. After 90 minutes of convincing the child who loves medicine (let’s face it the kid has been on one antibiotic or the other since she was a few months old almost every 8 weeks) that if she doesn’t take it we will be back in ths hospital for IV medication and fluids. I lay back down 4:45, I planned to get up at 5, when that plan was made everyone was coming with me, then medicine happened, and rain happened; I knew then the best I could hope for was to get there and not have forgotten anything. Fast forward 7:00, start time is 7:30 and I live 25 mins away, I am convincing her once again to take the next medicine…when Scott steps in and tells me to leave. 

Its raining, not just a mist, but rain, and so humid the air almost choked me. Friday morning I ran a 5K in roughly 35 mins, I was hoping for that (my best being 32-ish in 2014).  Quick call to mom that dad would have to drop her off, I park and walk briskly the .75 miles to the park when I hear the gun go off, I missed the National Anthem but I had to make a pitstop, no ands if’s or butt’s!  I handed my phone off to my mother just in time to cross the mat before they moved it, fumbling with my ipod and watch feeling incredibly clumsy and rushed my attitude definately matched the weather.

I know this course I have run it at least a dozen times in some way and walked it hundred’s of times a a young girl going to school, church, friend’s homes, or just to walk. I know there is a hill oit of the park, up from the firehouse, up from Pikar’s (I don’t know what its called now) and then the turn around. I was literally at the back. I thought a lot about my first year running this race, this event was what inspired me to want to push myself further and harder. While running I was pretty sure I saw the husband of my dear friend, and then saw her, I passed all the familiar places and then less than .75 miles to the finish I was at 33 mins, and had a huge pain inside my ankle, the one that I have been so lovingly taling care of. I wanted to puke it hurt so bad, and as fast as it hit, it also subsided; I walked another 60 steps and decided it would be a running finish. Sluggishly crossing thw finish, I forgot to stop my watch so the time on it reads 50:46 but that included chatting with a friend and half the walk back to the car, offical results aren’t available online yet. 

I know its not what I wanted, in fact its the slowest 5K timed event I have ever run, Im soaking right now because I am still cold hours later. 

I am also 20# heavier than I have been in 4 years, I am downright miserable. I know what to do,  without accountability I fail, this whole year has felt like a fail. I am really struggling with how to proceed, what to do next, where to go or what to try. I don’t believe in Weight Watchers anymore, I don’t do fad diets, I don’t know how to be happy and I have no place to go with all this sadness.  I wanted this year to be the best, I am dreading my birthday to the point of wanting to sleep that entire 24 hours and no one mention it.

40

Still fat

Still sad

Still searching

What a waste of a life….

So here’s my shitty picturess that I took and one my mom took showing how grossly fat I am. Happy fucking fat 4th of July, 


Doesn’t matter what I write here no one gives a shit anyhow. I may never run again. 

Just keep Running

I’ve managed to run every other day for the last week and a half; some days are much better than others. As I am exploring this thing called recovery I am also learning about proper stretching, tape, and patience, LOTS of patience. Everytime I lace up husband asks me, “How far ya gonna go?” Confidently I tell him, “2-4″ and some runs I do just that, and feel accomplished. Tonight was not one of those runs, my planned 2-3 ended up bein 1.14. I cut back on the tape and realize I cannot wear heels to work anymore if I am going to run like I expect myself to; practical flats it is wah, wah, wahhhhhh but it is the right thing to do for my feets health. 

It wasnt until I rounded the corner of the street that housed my very first apartment, which happens to be the street next to my second apartment and around the circle from my little house (I one day will not live in this neighborhood) I had a remembery (this is what Piper calls a memory). Its been 4 years since I started running. FOUR?!?! I recall the time when I walked out the door of my apartment and wanted to be able to walk to the mailbox and back, a little less than a mile, and then to be able to walk to the top of the hill and back about a mile and a quarter, then I was doing the entire neighborhood, to the gas station to buy a newspaper, to the water district to pay my bill and then I recalled the day I ran my first mile, then three, five and ten. I thought about how I have said countless times when asked how far I ran on a given day replying, ” Only six miles.” And getting a weird look. Ok I realize I’m never gonna this olympic athlete, or finish anything first, but I also know what its like to think, to the mailbox and back. 

Recovery is a lot like that first walk, taking it little by little, learning what I want to do and what I should do, yes there is a difference. I believe I will get back to running longer distances; I will get closer to my goal each day as long as I remembery why I started, why I continue and why I never give up.

“A quitter never wins, a winner never quits.” My dad has this under the glass of his desk, I’ve read it and touched it hundreds of times….because I never quit.

Reuniting with Writing & Running

Well lookie here, I had lost all hope of being able to log in to this blog again, but I decided yesterday during a really looooooooooong meeting to check and BAZINGA! it worked.  So since my last entry what have I been doing…hummmmmm…not much. I finally decided to see an orthopedist regarding my ankle and guess what? After an MRI the results show nothing is wrong, which is frustrating because it hurt like hell. I went to 2 PT sessions and then received the bill for said MRI and knew I couldn’t continue on at the cost I would incur; and then I got to thinking since when did I need someone to tell me what I needed to do to reach a goal, and isn’t running pain free a goal?

So I took the exercises the therapist gave me and I have been doing them at my desk, I have cautiously been running intervals and last weekend I was able to complete, running the entire distance, the Redlegs 5K. It may not sound that impressive, and my time was far from what I want, but the fact is I was able to run it pain free, and be pain free the next day. Memorial Day weekend brings the Run N’ Slug which I will not officially be participating in, but I will go and run the 4 mile leg, I have done the 8 mile run the past two years, I know I am not ready for 8 but soon I will be and I feel 4 is very doable.

This down time has been very hard on me not only physically but emotionally, I have fed and fed the depression and as a result I am 10# heavier and everything is soft. I am seeking the motivation to get my feet moving again, I am tempted to sign up for a run to force me back out on a regular schedule….maybe I will.

 

TBC……

2016: #personalevolution

So people get all new year motivated! Lists of all the things they plan to do – I am not planning anything I am DOING! 2015 sucked. A LOT! Mentally I struggled until October and then I was ok and oh dam came the holidays….but I survived them, I fed them and I am feeling thick and not where I like to be. I should have lost weight last year but I didn’t focus enough, really at all on nutrition. Exercise for me is not the problem. I am not into gimmick plans and programs, juicing (too expensive) or shakes or supplements. The best I feel is when I dedicate meals to the clean/paleo menu. I know if I set myself up to adhere to those guidelines and only indulge on rare occasions combining this with my personal workout plan I will lose weight.

I am dedicating myself to personal accountability, I have a calendar on the fridge – I will have to look at it many times a day. 

This year I start here: 

 
Measurements:

  • Hips: 44″
  • Thigh: 34.75″
  • Bust: 42.5″
  • Calf: 19.25″
  • Bicep: 15″
  • Waist: 38″
  • Weight: 212.8#
  • Pants: 12 or 14
  • Tops: L or X

JANUARY GOAL:

  • 30 day Betty Rocker challenge
  • Run at least 30 miles
  • Eat to live, prepare foods for success
  • Drop 5#
  • Quit soft drinks

Year long Personal Expectations: 

  • 175# by my birthday
  • pants a solid 12 (10)
  • Tops a large (some parts only get so small ☺️
  • Run 500 miles at least for the year
  • Run at least one half and one full
  • PR my 4th of July time
  • Yoga at least once a month
  • Get my family off prepared foods as much as possible

29 days later…

I ran my first “recovery” mile. The ankle injury the gp and podotrist say didn’t exist feeling significantly better, the faciatis is what it is, I can handle that. It was Sunday morning, 60 degrees in December and my head needed it far  more than my body; though 29 days without running my weight is no different but my body is, I feel thick and full, I hate it. I decided to try just one mile, not pushing too hard, being conscious to how I felt physically as opposed to how well I thought I was doing. I stayed on a very flat path and after a few minutes of brisk walking I upped the pace. Finishing my lone mile in 12:15. That for me, is decent. Returning home I stretched a littleand  washed up; as the day wore on my foot was tender but the ankle felt great. 

The plan is to easily put myself back into full on marathon training for the Flying Pig May 1st. Officially I won’t begin a regime until January 3rd but this prep work will hopefully make my transition an easy one. The lessons I learened from my Columbus experience:

1) pick a plan and stick to it

2) cross training is VERY important

3) a healthy eating plan is equally important

So as I engage in this I am reviewing countless free plans and desigining something I know will follow these lessons and fit in with my family; they have been extremely supportive of this and I could not do it without them. My New Year’s intentions begin a little before the new year sets in but 2015 has without a doubt been the most physically demanding, emotionally challenging and educational year of my life. There are things I am going to dedicate myself to, things I am in the process of letting go, goals I have in motion and I know the destination I must stay focused on that with these other objectives in mind. 

I wil not be flooding facebook with posts about every mile I run, every race I complete, every goal I meet. As I approach, 40 I am realizing that not everyone needs to know all my business and most people dont care about it anyhow. This 2016 that is just heartbeats away is my year of putting me back together, the physical and mental; its about personal growth and strength. 

Running and yoga are two things that make me feel really good. 

I long for a love I can believe in. 

I want my daughters to see me as stronger and confident. 

I want to feel good.

Pretty simple… 

 

2nd annual Honorrun Half Marathon 

So it was genius to run a half less than a month after a full – I am that kind of crazy. This run is for a cause I feel strongly about, veterans. Specifically for the Honorflights, making travel possible for veterans to make a trip to Washington DC. I wasnt sure I would even be able to participate my running budget exhausted, a request for coupons or a discount code on Facebook led to a sponsorship for this and the Thanksgiving Day 10K from my brother, Nick. I was shocked by the offer and excited that I would indeed be able to participate in these two final events of  my 2015 season. 

As race day dawned I remembered the inagural run, a miserable 16 degrees and telling my faithful few in person supporters to please stay home; not this year it was a beautiful 39 accompanied by a slight breeze; who in their right mind thinks 39 is beautiful?? Trust me it was like a heatwave by comparison. After my disappointing marathon finish I realigned my thoughts, this has always been about finishing for me, not the time, and with that as one of my forethoughts I placed myself at the back of the pack and crossed the mat at 7:05 am. I can’t lie, the thought of this distance so close to the marathon for me was slighlty intimidating. The sun rose at 7:20 exactly the same time as last year, just I encountered my first veteran. I had promised myswlf I would stop and thank each of these heros along the way, this wasnt about me, it was for them. He was an elderly gentleman on the corner of Hopeful Road, his hat clearly designated him as a Vietnam Veteran. He walked with a cane and a twinkle in his eye. My hand met his, my eyes met his and I simply said “Thank you, sir” he said “No, thnak you” why would he thank me?? I smiled at him and went along my way, thankfulmy face covered the tears streamed down my face and my heart swelled, that initial interaction was all the confirmation that I needed to know this was what I was supposed to be doing at this moment, for the remaining 11 miles I stopped for every man, woman and their families the ones I could identify as military, active or vet, and made that same connection. 

My time of 2:54 was not my best by a long shot,but my experience has by far been the most memorable and enjoyable. 

On November 15,2016 I ran with purpose of gratitude, respect and appreciation. I am a very patriotic person. I am pround to be an American, despite all the negative there is in the world I do feel incredibly blessed to live in a country where its citizens choose to be part of the military. They choose to put their life before ours. They are brave enough to do what I could not. I am the pround granddaughter of a WWII veteran, the niece of a veteran with too many deployments to identfy him with just one, the co-worker and friend of veterans. My run only helped partially with one trip to DC but this one run, this one stretch of 13.1 miles brought to my head the clarity that I have been searching for longer than I can recall.

Thank you.

   
   

How far is a marathon, really? 

On October 18,2015 it was 26.2 miles in reality that it the end of a journey that is a hell of a lot longer than 26.2 miles. Its more like 9+ months, three pairs of shoes, globs of vasoline, blisters, baths, sweat, miles driven dropping off water and hours planning training routes, its early mornings, running sore and tired, playlists and protein bars, not to mention  the drive to get to the race. It was almost a year of mental energy. It was more tears and soreness than I realized it would be. Thankful for the support I was blessed with: kids, husband, sisters, brother, friends, parents, in-laws, facebook family, co-workers and fellow race participants. 

On October 18 I completed the Columbus Marathon. I was so proud of myself…until I saw my time, until I saw the photos, until I saw official results; and then I was ashamed, depressed and deflated. I was the 56th last marathoner to finish with a time of 6:15. Third last in my age division. When I put all this together I pretty much decided to stop running, I cried for three days straight. This experience that should have been self affirming crushed me. (Add to that the hotel screwed up and overcharged me resulting in over $100 in overdraft charges, but thats another story.) 

The next Sunday as Asics so kindly told me it was time for recovery run one, 20 minute jog. I had ZERO desire to run, but I did. And I cried. My legs rejoiced in the burn and stretch, I really wanted more than 20 minutes but the program was laid out that way for a reason. Traveling last week I got in two 3 milers on the treadmill. I got over my sadness, I’m still not satisfied with my performance BUT the only redemption, is to train harder and do it again.

So 2016 here is the plan: 

March – Heart Mini  15K

May – Flying Pig full

June – Tough Mudder KY

July – Edgewood 5k

August* – Redlegs 10k date is tbd

October – Columbus full

November – Honor Half & Thanksgiving Day 10k

There is no honor in quitting, only on persevering. 
   
    
    
 

20 miles and Acceptance

Last Sunday morning before most people I know had even thought about getting out of bed, I was placing water stops, lacing up and heading out for my final long run before Columbus. It was around 6:30 am when I finally hit foot to pavement. The distance ahead daunting, this was the third attempt, my previous two foiled by a possible injury which I now believe to be the beginning stages of faciatis, the other by poor pre-run meal planning. This was it. No excuses I would finish 20 by any means physically possible. Miles 1-15 were really not too bad.  I had eaten well and decided this run to turn my phone off, anything could wait until I was done. Miles 16-18 I really struggled, 19-20 I was beat, soaked, sore but so close. 

I finished, 4:32:57 burning close to 6,000 calories, consuming 80+ oz of water, 12 gels (which I hate) a banana and 4 oranges. I stood on the corner of US42 and Hopeful Rd. and I cried. Then I walked to my car and savored orange juice. Heading home I smiled from ear to ear with tears streaming down my face. This one accomplishment meant more to me than most things I have done in life, outside of being a mother my relationship with running has taught me so much. Its so very simple and uncomplicated, its 90% mental, 5% physical and 5% crazy. I felt ready to tackle a marathon course…

Then Thursday happened. I love my car, its a total piece of crap, I am a magnet for weird vehicle happeneings, but the sunroof and radio make my day. Until it started making this noise, I am a woman who knows nothing about cars. Forced to put it in the shop, the news on the cost of the repair stole me dream. All my hard work lost in one phone call. There will not be a marathon run for me on the 18th in Columbus, if I can plot a course here I may still do it, but my vision of tapping a finishers mat, hanging the poster in my office, gone. Being an adult I accept that there isnt anything I can do to change this. Acceptance is a distasteful medication but for some reason this is the path I am supposed be on. Columbus will have to wait. 

My Why…30 Days 

  I joined this challenge group on facebook led by a friend I made while working at a previous job, oddly enough our first conversation was about Tough Mudder as I was days away from mine and he had done one recently. From then on we had a friendship. He is a Team Beachbody coach, a very successful one at that; it’s ironic because a Beachbody infomercial is the whole reason I started this blog. So fasrforward two years and he invites people monthly to take part in a challenge group, I have seen them monthly and wanted to join but hesitated, this month I am in! As part of this group we had a homework as to our Why? I havent thought about my why in a while. As much as I love to write it took me all morning and I still wasn’t happy with what I put down but it was a start.
Why am I on this journey?

Weight loss/healthy eating…that one is easy. I have my girls, I want to be a Nana one day. I want to live a long active life.  I have battled this since age 7 people 7! I have been fat for the better part of 32 years (geesh that’s a long time). I have been up and down more times than a yo-yo. I want that cycle to end. I want to have a relationship with food that is eating to live, not living to eat; to not look at food and crave it, to eat and not feel guilt or remorse.

Emotions: here’s my opinion on weight loss – it is FAR more emotional than physical. People say it all the time but its true. The mentaility is to see the fat, the flaws, an inability to accept compliments as valid, at times if the loss is that is significant. The change in shape and attention, our very place in space. The pressure of public eating ….its tough. I hope one day to not feel all of that.

Running: I started for a reason, and now I can’t imagine life without it. It is there I feel alive and myself. Its just me, my thoughts. Some runs I feel like I am untouchable and others a slug, but I own every step. I am pretty sure I look terrible doing it, and I have been ridiculed by passers by. I have a pretty thick skin and know that their comment is really a defense for some short coming they have in themselves. 

Why? My personal goal is to one day establish a program for young women to help them with lifestyle choices, nutrition and fitness. Its not only the overweight that need help. To reach out when they are young and creating habits. I try with my own kids. Our mantra of “Don’t put food in your mouth when you have food in your mouth.” Our lunch/snack boxes that I prep weekly, the push to get them outside as much as possible (ok sometimes I am beat and give in). Every choice I make now impacts them tomorrow; they need to know their choices do the same 

So why? Why not? Why not be part of something that gives me a chance to learn and grow? 

So challenge accepted! 

 

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