I want to be happy

In my head it sounds like a doable plan.

In action I am NOTHING but excuses.

The day slips away, I’ve had no sleep.

Right now it’s all I can do to keep myself intact.

To keep myself from crying in frustration – how much I hate this body, my lack of motivation.

All I do is work, clean, clean, clean….then collapse to sleep for 2 maybe 3 hours. Then little feet scamper into my room, wide awake; and for as much as they are my heart, I am screaming in my head “Why don’t you sleep? What am I doing wrong? Why does this make me feel like a failure?”

It seems I try to split my very limited free time with them and trying to make me feel better about me, and then my home is in shambles. So I tend to it and them, and hate the way I feel because I left “me” out of the equation. Then I feel guilty for not taking care of me, feeling guilty for neglecting them and the house. There just aren’t enough hours in the day….and yes it’s an excuse.

So where does my time go:

 

10/16/12

 

4 am Ailey comes into bed with me

4:30 am Piper follows suit – I am now laying on about 6″ of mattress, no covers, freezing with the window open, my jaw is starting to ache.

4:45 am go lay on couch, try to sleep for 30 more minutes

4:46 am Piper joins me

4:48 am Ailey cries because there is no room for her on the couch as well

4:55 am give up and make milk cups and snacks, put them in their beds with a “watch” get ready for work

5:10 am realize I didn’t wash my one and only pair of pants that fit – have to wear a skirt, it’s cold, no stockings because I have no closed toed shoes yet

5:30 am peel oranges and kiss girls, who are now in the kitchen doing puzzles, put dozen cupcakes in car for consult later today

5:45 am drop off deposit at bank for work

6:00 am call superintendent at work and remind him to get someone to remove concrete from the dumpster

6:23 am pull into work

6:30 am start work

3:45 pm leave work, realize it was much hotter out than I thought and cupcakes have melted (FAIL)

4:05 pm cupcake consult (now been awake 12 hours on 5 hours or less sleep)

5:30 pm pick up pizza for Liz and kiddos for dinner

7:00 pm head home

7:30 pm run laundry, fold laundry, spend 5 minutes washing hair and shaving legs

8:00 pm snuggle with kids for a few minutes

8:15 pm fold more laundry

8:30 pm pack diaper bag and set out clothes for girls for tomorrow, set out my clothes for tomorrow

9:00 pm do our “moon” list, make water cups, pat backs

9:15 pm pat backs again

9:30 pm sit down for the first time all day that didn’t involve work or someone climbing on me

 

How do I feel?

– feel guilty that I didn’t exercise, then cry because I am so tired I know I don’t have the energy to do it

– feel like shit about my body as I sit here in a nighty that I got last year and contemplated wearing as a dress    because it looked so good, decide I need to put on a robe

– I still have one more load of laundry to do tonight

You know the other day someone asked me what I wanted….there are lots of things I want, we all do. But it made me think – What do I really want? From life and living, loving and being…simple right? Think about it, have you ever? It’s very selfish. To take a moment and seriously consider what YOU want.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

So how do I resolve this cycle?

I can’t neglect my house, if I had come right home from work I still would have had to make dinner, do laundry and today was bathroom cleaning day which I will now have to do tomorrow, and I sit here and silently pray that the girls by some miracle sleep until I have to be up again at 5 maybe I will have the energy to actually exercise…the one thing I am doing is presenting a realistic and completely honest look at how I run my life, the frustrations I endure, the thought process that runs them, my busy mind that never sleeps, how I long to wake and feel refreshed, to have conviction and drive, to have support and a little cooperation. But life is not always like that, it ebbs and flows like everything else and all I can do it the best with what I’ve got.

Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com
Follow Progress not Perfection on WordPress.com