When food doesn’t make it better…

…it typically makes it worse. Because after the moment of deliciousness passes, the physical reaction of feeling too full from having stuffed it down so quickly, the emotional guilt for giving in again, the sadness, the failure, the immediate re-commitment to not do it again.

Who ever doesn’t believe that food is an addiction, is addicted to something else, admit it or not we all have some crutch we lean on when we feel hopeless – spending, exercising, sex, cutting, drugs, alcohol…

I know I am a perfectionist, I am anal about certain things, I do not take criticism in the least well (I have known this since about age 7), I am addicted to food.

I eat when no one is looking, things I know I shouldn’t, lots of it, as fast as I can.

It’s a problem, I admit it.

 

Today I failed in the food department.

 

I got upset at work, over something that was a very honest mistake in the midst of a learning process, the emotion I fed was failure and criticism. The day started off very well, a sensible healthy breakfast that slowly led to a handful of peanut M&M’s, Chipolte with chips, two Reese’s Cups, 3 diet sodas, gummi worms, an apple, then a cheese burger at Big Boy and I wasn’t hungry, and I ate dessert with the girls as well, repeat I was NOT HUNGRY. I was sad, deflated, lonely, disappointed in myself for something I didn’t intentionally do, something that was corrected and didn’t really hurt anything, and then I continued to feed the sadness of eating a lunch I didn’t really want, by eating again.

 

The emotion that followed this up was anger, for being so weak, however the next step was more productive.

I put my shoes on and climbed on the elliptical. I turned on 107.1 (here in Cincinnati that’s KISS 107) and this song came on: Try by Pink http://youtu.be/yTCDVfMz15M now I know the song isn’t about a fat lady on an elliptical but I cried.

 

“Ever worried that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you’re out there doing what you’re doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by by by…”

 

But to me it felt like me in the moment, and I let one moment ruin me for the day, it made me cry.

Today in silence.

I know everyone has had more than one silent, tearless cry in their life,  today when no one watched, or bothered to as if I was OK, I fed myself.

I lost sight of my goal and gave in, but getting on the elliptical signified that I didn’t give up. When I got done, I was a sweaty, mascara streaked, dehydrated mess. But in that 30 minutes I found absolution of the guilt of feeding the emotion.

I didn’t go back to the kitchen for any other reason but for a glass of water and to wash my hands.

 

In that act of washing my hands and writing this I let go of my failure. It is in the past. There is nothing I can do about it except TRY not to repeat it. I know there will be more times in my life that I fail, many more, if  I didn’t I wouldn’t be learning, growing or human. But, I hope that I learn to accept my failures with a little more grace and channel that feeling like I finally did today, into something productive.

 

65 days down 300 to go

2 pounds down 50 to go)

1 battle won, 1 war that rages on

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